My mobile rang, it was him again. Thanks to the creation of caller id, I have been avoiding his calls. I dont know why. Not that anything had happened, the other night. Or had he done anything bad to me. I just didnt know how to face him again. Knowing him for so long, I cannot imagine being in front of him - full monty. It'll be weird, really weird.
Come to think of it, I am really crazy. For that, do I have to loose a friend? Loose a friend whom I have known for more than a decade? I finally found my guts to call him back that night. Funny thing was his first question to me, "Are you drunk?" I suddenly felt my face turned red... He knew it all the while that I was avoiding his call, and for me to call him, I would have been drunk.
Anyway, I was glad I made that call. It was great, we talked and shared a lot of things. Not a single word was mention about that night. But he told me he would give his best to make me change my mind about being with him. Well, I guess that's nothing I could do.
Days and months went by, we were okay. Living lives as friends, very good friends. Then one rainy day, he called me asking me for dinner. Why not? We always have dinners and lunch together. Just another dinner.
He rang my door bell at 6 sharp. Hmm, how was I supposed to get ready that early. I opened the door for him. He looked extremely cute that night. The white shirt made his face look fresher. Neat. I asked if this was some kind of date, cause he normally comes in tshirt & jeans. He just smiled and sat on the sofa.
I quickly went into the room to get dressed. I already took out my jeans & tshirt, but on second thoughts, maybe I should redress myself. I took out my blue dress, not too short, long enough to cover my knees. Ready togo. "Where we going?" Silence...
Madness, why isnt he answering me? This is getting more annoying.
When we reach the restaurant, I was impressed. The surrounding was great, tall trees, plants everywhere. It looked a little spooky though. The ambience was great. He acted a little funny. After our desserts, he gave me a present. A small box, not too small. I opened it. I think I stood still with time for about a minute looking at what was in there.
Then my memories came back... I dont remember it. I have not thought of it, I have totally forgotten about this.
It was a bracelet (silver) I gave him about 13 years ago. I had one too. He is still keeping it? I didnt know where mine went. I totally forgot about this. It was the exact same one. How can someone keep a thing for such a long time? Not to mention a man...
in life, we imagine, dream, think, fantasize & visualize. these are my imaginations and thoughts.
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
Undying Love I
Must be the 2 bottles of rosѐ that made me pressed the 'send' button on my mobile. I havent called him in years and ....
Ed: Hello
Me: Hey, it's me, what u doing?
Ed: Nothing, just sitting at home watching tv. What's up? What made u call me at this time?
Me: Hmm, nothing... *silence*
Ed: U there? Are you drunk or something?
Me: *laugh* drunk? Are you kidding me? I drank, but not enough to get me drunk.
Ed: So where are you now?
Me: Me? I'm driving. Home
Ed: Oh... Your place's near my house right?
Me: Yup, hey, u alone? Since I havent been to your new place, can I drop by now?
Ed: Sure, come over, I will send u my address now. Just tell the security my house number.
We hung up and I thought to myself, "am I mad? What the hell was I doing? How can I do this? Why am I doing this? What have gotten into me?" Beep beep, the sound of the sms interupted my thoughts. It was his address.
I was shocked what alcohol had made me do. Anyway, while I was finding those answers to my questions, I realised I was in front of his guards, the guard asked me to go straight and take the first right turn, his house is on the left.
I stood in my car for a good minute before the gate opened. I guess the guard must have intercom telling him that his "supper" has arrived. How disgrace? But I was only dropping by to see his new house and well, we havent met for like 10 years, arent there things to share?
He came out. He looked as good as always. I came out of the car. I nearly couldnt stand up right. And at that moment, I didnt know whether it was the alcohol or the nervousness that made me cant stand right. Anyway, he waited and we walked into his beautiful home.
It was surprising how a bachelor could keep his house that clean and tidy. No extensive renovation, simple and nice. I liked it. He showed me around his house - the kitchen, the backyard, the garden, the living and his room. Cozy.
We then went back to the living, where he was watching CNN. I didnt know he was a news person. After a few minutes of chatting, I asked if he had anything to drink. I asked for wine, cause I hate to mix alcohol. But he hadnt kept any wine at home, he offered whiskey and brandy. I told him brandy will do. We drank and drank and lost the time.
He got closer, and closer. And I dont know how I ended up in his arms. He kissed me, and I didnt pushed him away. I kissed him back and everything started so fast I couldnt remember when and how. And when he unbuttoned my jeans, I pushed him away. I cant do that. I cannot do this not because I am divorce, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings again. He has loved me for so many years, and I dont deserve him.
He pulled me back so hard he didnt want to let me go. I forced myself out and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I woke. I opened the door, he was right there. He apologised, I said it's ok. Well, it wasnt so much of his fault, though. I was the one who called and went to him in the middle of the night. Who is at fault?
I took my bag and left.
I know he didnt do it on purpose. He is a normal man, after a few drinks there is a need, I understand. Moreover, he has loved me for all these years. And he knew I was divorced. There is no problem with seeing someone else. He hasnt been with a girl long enough to tell people she is the one, cause they are not me. I have never really fallen in love with him. But it's always nice to know that there is someone out there who still loves you despite you being married with 2 kids or until now divorced.
Ed: Hello
Me: Hey, it's me, what u doing?
Ed: Nothing, just sitting at home watching tv. What's up? What made u call me at this time?
Me: Hmm, nothing... *silence*
Ed: U there? Are you drunk or something?
Me: *laugh* drunk? Are you kidding me? I drank, but not enough to get me drunk.
Ed: So where are you now?
Me: Me? I'm driving. Home
Ed: Oh... Your place's near my house right?
Me: Yup, hey, u alone? Since I havent been to your new place, can I drop by now?
Ed: Sure, come over, I will send u my address now. Just tell the security my house number.
We hung up and I thought to myself, "am I mad? What the hell was I doing? How can I do this? Why am I doing this? What have gotten into me?" Beep beep, the sound of the sms interupted my thoughts. It was his address.
I was shocked what alcohol had made me do. Anyway, while I was finding those answers to my questions, I realised I was in front of his guards, the guard asked me to go straight and take the first right turn, his house is on the left.
I stood in my car for a good minute before the gate opened. I guess the guard must have intercom telling him that his "supper" has arrived. How disgrace? But I was only dropping by to see his new house and well, we havent met for like 10 years, arent there things to share?
He came out. He looked as good as always. I came out of the car. I nearly couldnt stand up right. And at that moment, I didnt know whether it was the alcohol or the nervousness that made me cant stand right. Anyway, he waited and we walked into his beautiful home.
It was surprising how a bachelor could keep his house that clean and tidy. No extensive renovation, simple and nice. I liked it. He showed me around his house - the kitchen, the backyard, the garden, the living and his room. Cozy.
We then went back to the living, where he was watching CNN. I didnt know he was a news person. After a few minutes of chatting, I asked if he had anything to drink. I asked for wine, cause I hate to mix alcohol. But he hadnt kept any wine at home, he offered whiskey and brandy. I told him brandy will do. We drank and drank and lost the time.
He got closer, and closer. And I dont know how I ended up in his arms. He kissed me, and I didnt pushed him away. I kissed him back and everything started so fast I couldnt remember when and how. And when he unbuttoned my jeans, I pushed him away. I cant do that. I cannot do this not because I am divorce, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings again. He has loved me for so many years, and I dont deserve him.
He pulled me back so hard he didnt want to let me go. I forced myself out and went to the bathroom to wash my face. I woke. I opened the door, he was right there. He apologised, I said it's ok. Well, it wasnt so much of his fault, though. I was the one who called and went to him in the middle of the night. Who is at fault?
I took my bag and left.
I know he didnt do it on purpose. He is a normal man, after a few drinks there is a need, I understand. Moreover, he has loved me for all these years. And he knew I was divorced. There is no problem with seeing someone else. He hasnt been with a girl long enough to tell people she is the one, cause they are not me. I have never really fallen in love with him. But it's always nice to know that there is someone out there who still loves you despite you being married with 2 kids or until now divorced.
Saturday, November 22, 2008
What is Right? (Part V)
I cannot be hiding anymore. I drove to The Maze. There they were, the usual bunch of people. Daniel was no where at sight. Had a few drinks and there I was talking to Steve. Suddenly, Daniel came up to us, "can you excuse us for a second?" he told Steve. Steve politely left us.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I did not. I was just busy."
"Bullshit. Come on, I'm not a kid. I know what is going on? Why do you have to do this to me? I have never been like this. You know me more than anyone. I will not do this to any women. I know I have many girls before, but you changed me, I know what I want."
"It's impossible. What bout my kids? How can a person like you change for me?"
"You know I love them as much as you do. I will treat them like mine."
"It's easier said than done."
"You are always like that. Jump to conclusion without giving me a chance to prove."
*Silence*
"Dont lie to yourself. I know you have feelings for me. Tell me, do you love me?"
Sigh... "No"
He held me in his hands, looked me in the eyes, "Tell me, do you love me?"
"No I dont."
He let go of me, walked away. It hurts me as much. There we were in the same drinking joint and yet no talking. We sat in 2 separate places. I was talking to the bunch while he, in another corner with some chick. I couldnt pay attention to what they were talking about, I just drank and thought. Once in a while, I would unconsciously turn my head to his direction.
After an hour or so while I was still drinking and thinking, Daniel came over and introduced his newly met friend to us, "Hi guys, this is Jane, I'm sending her home. Chowee." I said bye and turned back to my drink. I felt a sudden cut in my heart. For the next hour, I was drinking more than I usually do. This is so unlike me. I am always conscious and will make sure I am 100% sober before I drive home, but that night I was not myself. Something was wrong, do I really love him? Did I fall for him? When was that?
I looked at my watch, it was close to 130am. I told them I wanted to make a move, they stopped me and told me I was not in the position to drive. It was too dangerous, but I assured them I was okay. I went to take my car and didnt know how I ended up outside Daniel's house. I know he wont be in. He left with that girl, obviously he is somewhere sharing the bed with her. I stopped there for a good 5 minutes.
Then I left for home. I parked my car and went up. When the elevator door opened, I walked to my apartment door, drunk as I was. When I reached the door, I saw Daniel. He was there. He looked up and said, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright, wanted to see you home safe and sound. I'll go now." He walked passed me. His shoulder brushed mine. I turned to hold his hand.
We then went into my house and continue what we have not finished the other night.
"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I did not. I was just busy."
"Bullshit. Come on, I'm not a kid. I know what is going on? Why do you have to do this to me? I have never been like this. You know me more than anyone. I will not do this to any women. I know I have many girls before, but you changed me, I know what I want."
"It's impossible. What bout my kids? How can a person like you change for me?"
"You know I love them as much as you do. I will treat them like mine."
"It's easier said than done."
"You are always like that. Jump to conclusion without giving me a chance to prove."
*Silence*
"Dont lie to yourself. I know you have feelings for me. Tell me, do you love me?"
Sigh... "No"
He held me in his hands, looked me in the eyes, "Tell me, do you love me?"
"No I dont."
He let go of me, walked away. It hurts me as much. There we were in the same drinking joint and yet no talking. We sat in 2 separate places. I was talking to the bunch while he, in another corner with some chick. I couldnt pay attention to what they were talking about, I just drank and thought. Once in a while, I would unconsciously turn my head to his direction.
After an hour or so while I was still drinking and thinking, Daniel came over and introduced his newly met friend to us, "Hi guys, this is Jane, I'm sending her home. Chowee." I said bye and turned back to my drink. I felt a sudden cut in my heart. For the next hour, I was drinking more than I usually do. This is so unlike me. I am always conscious and will make sure I am 100% sober before I drive home, but that night I was not myself. Something was wrong, do I really love him? Did I fall for him? When was that?
I looked at my watch, it was close to 130am. I told them I wanted to make a move, they stopped me and told me I was not in the position to drive. It was too dangerous, but I assured them I was okay. I went to take my car and didnt know how I ended up outside Daniel's house. I know he wont be in. He left with that girl, obviously he is somewhere sharing the bed with her. I stopped there for a good 5 minutes.
Then I left for home. I parked my car and went up. When the elevator door opened, I walked to my apartment door, drunk as I was. When I reached the door, I saw Daniel. He was there. He looked up and said, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright, wanted to see you home safe and sound. I'll go now." He walked passed me. His shoulder brushed mine. I turned to hold his hand.
We then went into my house and continue what we have not finished the other night.
What is Right? (Part IV)
I woke up the next day, he was gone. I started thinking, a lot. There has been so much in my mind.
"Does he really love me?" "Is he saying this to every girl?" "Is he saying this just to make me sleep with him?" "If it's real and I accept him, what happen to my kids?" "What if my kids dont like him?" "What are the future of my kids?" Blah blah blah... There were endless questions in my mind and no where I can find answers. Oh dear.
My thoughts were again being interupted by my mobile. The caller ID showed his name. I was hesitating whether or not I should pick up. I did and told him I was in a meeting, will call him back later. Only after I hung up did I realised it was a Sunday. Damn.
Days have past. Endless calls, same answers - either I was busy or I didnt pick up. No more outings like before. In fact, to come to think of it, I have not seen him for almost a week from that night. Nothing stopped him from calling. He even sms me asking why was I avoiding him. He wants to talk to me.
I just couldnt... well, at least until I find the answers. I kind of missed those days, though.
"Does he really love me?" "Is he saying this to every girl?" "Is he saying this just to make me sleep with him?" "If it's real and I accept him, what happen to my kids?" "What if my kids dont like him?" "What are the future of my kids?" Blah blah blah... There were endless questions in my mind and no where I can find answers. Oh dear.
My thoughts were again being interupted by my mobile. The caller ID showed his name. I was hesitating whether or not I should pick up. I did and told him I was in a meeting, will call him back later. Only after I hung up did I realised it was a Sunday. Damn.
Days have past. Endless calls, same answers - either I was busy or I didnt pick up. No more outings like before. In fact, to come to think of it, I have not seen him for almost a week from that night. Nothing stopped him from calling. He even sms me asking why was I avoiding him. He wants to talk to me.
I just couldnt... well, at least until I find the answers. I kind of missed those days, though.
Friday, November 21, 2008
What is Right? (Part III)
I was already fast asleep when my mobile's sms alerted me. It was from Daniel. Then the sms string went like this:-
D: I cant sleep
M: I'm sleeping already. Tired. Down some red, you'll sleep soon
Silent... after a while I heard my front door opening and closing. I thought Daniel might have left. It's ok, he is always weird. I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep again, but I was worried. Feeling a little tipsy, I opened my room door, my tv was still on. I went out but Daniel wasnt there.
Suddenly I heard my fridge door close, I turned my head to find Daniel standing outside my kitchen with a glass of red wine in his hands. We stood there looking at each other. He put the glass on the table and walked up to me. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me closed. I have never been so closed to him. It felt great. He placed his face on mine. It was warm and nice. He came so close to me, his lips brushed my cheeks. I suddenly came to conscious and pushed him away.
Where is that line? Why have we crossed it? I dont want to change anything. I dont want the line to be crossed. I told him, "Hey, if you think I am one of your girls, sorry. Forget it and just leave."
He came up to me again and said, "I know who you are, I know what I am doing. You are not those girls, you are different. I love you, you know that. I cant stand anymore, I dont want to be your brother or just a good friend. I want to be with you, I want you."
"Please, just wake up. you have too much wine. Get yourself together and we will talk tomorrow. Go wash your face, you sleep here. I am going my mum's."
"Dont go. Ask yourself. Do you love me? Do you dare to say you have no feelings for me?"
"No, I dont. Leave me alone." He came up and grabbed me in his arms. He kissed me. I tried to push him away but I was too weak. Before I knew it, we were already in bed. He pulled me close. It has been a long time since I have been so close to a man. I missed it. I could feel his warmth. It's nice.
The whole room was filled with love. I couldnt think much, or maybe I just chose not to think too much. What is happening then is just too good to resist. Just when he was about to be in me, I again pushed him away. I told him to stop. I want to stop...
D: I cant sleep
M: I'm sleeping already. Tired. Down some red, you'll sleep soon
Silent... after a while I heard my front door opening and closing. I thought Daniel might have left. It's ok, he is always weird. I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep again, but I was worried. Feeling a little tipsy, I opened my room door, my tv was still on. I went out but Daniel wasnt there.
Suddenly I heard my fridge door close, I turned my head to find Daniel standing outside my kitchen with a glass of red wine in his hands. We stood there looking at each other. He put the glass on the table and walked up to me. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me closed. I have never been so closed to him. It felt great. He placed his face on mine. It was warm and nice. He came so close to me, his lips brushed my cheeks. I suddenly came to conscious and pushed him away.
Where is that line? Why have we crossed it? I dont want to change anything. I dont want the line to be crossed. I told him, "Hey, if you think I am one of your girls, sorry. Forget it and just leave."
He came up to me again and said, "I know who you are, I know what I am doing. You are not those girls, you are different. I love you, you know that. I cant stand anymore, I dont want to be your brother or just a good friend. I want to be with you, I want you."
"Please, just wake up. you have too much wine. Get yourself together and we will talk tomorrow. Go wash your face, you sleep here. I am going my mum's."
"Dont go. Ask yourself. Do you love me? Do you dare to say you have no feelings for me?"
"No, I dont. Leave me alone." He came up and grabbed me in his arms. He kissed me. I tried to push him away but I was too weak. Before I knew it, we were already in bed. He pulled me close. It has been a long time since I have been so close to a man. I missed it. I could feel his warmth. It's nice.
The whole room was filled with love. I couldnt think much, or maybe I just chose not to think too much. What is happening then is just too good to resist. Just when he was about to be in me, I again pushed him away. I told him to stop. I want to stop...
What is Right? (Part II)
It was Jay's birthday. As usual Daniel came to pick me from my house. It was a little weird this night. He gave me a bouquet of red roses - told me it was not meant for me actually, just that Liz doesnt want them. Anyway, on the way, he told me I looked beautiful. Hmm, I didnt put extra make up, not a new dress, didnt do my hair. I was just as I was always.
When we were The Maze, he was extra caring. We enjoyed a lot. We drank a lot but not enough to make me drunk. I was feeling a little tipsy. We danced like we always do. We chatted. After lots of photo taking and cakes and liquor, it was time to go home.
I asked Daniel to make sure he wants to send me home and not Liz... I thought he might wanna let it off that night. After assuring me of sending me home, I was pleased. As sometimes, the people that sends me home are boring. And after a tired night, you wouldnt have the energy to start talking to them.
He drove extra slow that day. We talked a lot. I told him I need a fag, he hates people smoking in his car. So he stopped his car by the road side. We both shared one ciggaratte as we didnt want to stay on the road for too long. At that very moment, we just leaned against his car, not a word was spoken. We just looked up the sky, enjoyed the breeze and silence and finished the ciggarette.
We went into the car and headed home. He parked his car, got down and walked me up. He is always like that. That's why so many girls fall for him. He will make sure you are safe and sound before he leaves. Before he left, he asked if he could stay for the night - just that he doesnt want to be alone.
I invited him in. Well it's not the first time he spend the night in my house. He will have full access to my house, except my bedroom. He laid on the sofa, got himself a bottle of red and switched the channel to CNBC. I left him there and went to wash myself up.
When we were The Maze, he was extra caring. We enjoyed a lot. We drank a lot but not enough to make me drunk. I was feeling a little tipsy. We danced like we always do. We chatted. After lots of photo taking and cakes and liquor, it was time to go home.
I asked Daniel to make sure he wants to send me home and not Liz... I thought he might wanna let it off that night. After assuring me of sending me home, I was pleased. As sometimes, the people that sends me home are boring. And after a tired night, you wouldnt have the energy to start talking to them.
He drove extra slow that day. We talked a lot. I told him I need a fag, he hates people smoking in his car. So he stopped his car by the road side. We both shared one ciggaratte as we didnt want to stay on the road for too long. At that very moment, we just leaned against his car, not a word was spoken. We just looked up the sky, enjoyed the breeze and silence and finished the ciggarette.
We went into the car and headed home. He parked his car, got down and walked me up. He is always like that. That's why so many girls fall for him. He will make sure you are safe and sound before he leaves. Before he left, he asked if he could stay for the night - just that he doesnt want to be alone.
I invited him in. Well it's not the first time he spend the night in my house. He will have full access to my house, except my bedroom. He laid on the sofa, got himself a bottle of red and switched the channel to CNBC. I left him there and went to wash myself up.
What is Right? Part I
Since the divorce, I have been really happy. I finally get to live a life that I want. I love my kids, I can go anywhere I want without telling anybody. I have all the freedom I want. I live in my own apartment, drive my own car, spend my own money, live my own life.
I am not seeing anyone, not dating any guy. My love of my life are my 2 beautiful kids. I dont care what people think. I go out party and tell everyone that I'm a divorcee with 2 kids. I dont mind. I have a group of good friends - particularly a guy friend whom I treat like my brother. Daniel is a great guy. He is rich, smart, good looking and caring.
Of course with criteria like those, he has many girls around him. I am one of them, the only difference is I dont sleep with him. We are just friends, good friends. We share everything. I know who he spent the night with, I know who he likes, I know who he hates. He knows almost everything about me too. We talked about work, family, money, world, life, sex, just anything. There is an obvious line between us that we know we will not cross.
Anyway, he always come to pick me up to any parties... It's good, although sometimes he might get a substitute to drive me home, when he finds his catch. I dont mind, as long as I reached home safe and sound.
He will once in a while buy me gifts, small small gift as a token of our friendship.
It has been like this for the past 8 months. Our friendship has grown into a brother and sister relationship.
Until one fine day...
I am not seeing anyone, not dating any guy. My love of my life are my 2 beautiful kids. I dont care what people think. I go out party and tell everyone that I'm a divorcee with 2 kids. I dont mind. I have a group of good friends - particularly a guy friend whom I treat like my brother. Daniel is a great guy. He is rich, smart, good looking and caring.
Of course with criteria like those, he has many girls around him. I am one of them, the only difference is I dont sleep with him. We are just friends, good friends. We share everything. I know who he spent the night with, I know who he likes, I know who he hates. He knows almost everything about me too. We talked about work, family, money, world, life, sex, just anything. There is an obvious line between us that we know we will not cross.
Anyway, he always come to pick me up to any parties... It's good, although sometimes he might get a substitute to drive me home, when he finds his catch. I dont mind, as long as I reached home safe and sound.
He will once in a while buy me gifts, small small gift as a token of our friendship.
It has been like this for the past 8 months. Our friendship has grown into a brother and sister relationship.
Until one fine day...
Saturday, August 04, 2007
Do You Still Love Me?
It has been quite a while since I last went out to party. After giving birth to my 2nd one, I am like being grounded 24/7. It's really difficult to actually be alone when you have 2 big responsibilities in life. Well, today he left for work in Penang, so I thought I might as well go out and release a bit of stress. I called Jee and we went out for a drink.
People has been telling me how good I look after having the 2nd baby. I felt it too. I know I am prettier in some ways. I am glad being 30 and still attractive.
I stepped into the club, and wow, I am so outdated. Everything is so different, different from the time I went out. I kind of felt being in another world. But it was okay. Guys talk to me and I kind of enjoyed a little. I drank a bit, not to extend of puking. I'm sober. Whenever I am out, I tend to look around. What is it that I'm looking for? *Giggle*. I'm trying to find him, I have always thought of seeing him, but slim chance, he never like these places. He always say he is too old for these.
Anyway, as I was taking a sip of the bourbon, I felt a pat on my shoulder. I turned around to see Harry. I was speechless. He came so close to my ear and said, "I finally found you." I stood there stunt for 10 seconds before collecting myself.
I dont know how we ended in the cafe upstairs chatting over a cup of tea. After an hour of talking, exchanging informations, I still cant answer his question of why I changed my number. Finally, he asked again.
H: Why did you change your number?
M: I don't know. Please understand. It's really difficult for me to contact you anymore.
H: Why cant we still be friends? You know the last thing I want is to not see you.
M: I know, but does it matter now? You are married and so am I
H: Married cannot have friends?
M: Harry, I know it's not right to say these, but I still love you a lot. I do, even now that I have 2 kids. It's really hard for me to continue seeing you as this will make me feel really bad - not being able to be with you. I dont know how you 'men' feel towards these, but for me, I just cant.
H: Sorry for hurting you again.
M: You are not hurting me. I love to see you, I feel great with you. If possible I want to be with you 24/7, but everything is just not right. We have missed the chance years ago. I have always thought, what would it be like if I see you again. I'm too afraid to meet you. I know it'll take years for me to put you down again.
H: Ok I understand.
M: There is just one thing I want to ask. Do you still love me?
H: Does it matter?
M: Yes it does to me.
H: Whether it's a yes or no, you will still feel as hurt, so why want to know?
M: You are right. I will never know the answer. Maybe it's better this way
H: Can I send you home? Since you are not driving
M: Sure
Wow, I didnt even realised it's so late. The clock shows 2am. We went into his car and not a word was spoken. It's funny. What's on both our minds? What were we both thinking at that moment? We stopped at a traffic light. I turned to him and said, "Can I have a hug?"
He gave me a big hug. We hugged so much, I didnt want to let him go. My face was so close to his. Unconsciously, I moved my cheek to his. It felt so great, so warm. He kissed me. I dont know how we ended kissing each other. He touched me, it felt so good. It has been such a long while...
"Shall we?" he asked.
I nodded, I did get the answer after all...
People has been telling me how good I look after having the 2nd baby. I felt it too. I know I am prettier in some ways. I am glad being 30 and still attractive.
I stepped into the club, and wow, I am so outdated. Everything is so different, different from the time I went out. I kind of felt being in another world. But it was okay. Guys talk to me and I kind of enjoyed a little. I drank a bit, not to extend of puking. I'm sober. Whenever I am out, I tend to look around. What is it that I'm looking for? *Giggle*. I'm trying to find him, I have always thought of seeing him, but slim chance, he never like these places. He always say he is too old for these.
Anyway, as I was taking a sip of the bourbon, I felt a pat on my shoulder. I turned around to see Harry. I was speechless. He came so close to my ear and said, "I finally found you." I stood there stunt for 10 seconds before collecting myself.
I dont know how we ended in the cafe upstairs chatting over a cup of tea. After an hour of talking, exchanging informations, I still cant answer his question of why I changed my number. Finally, he asked again.
H: Why did you change your number?
M: I don't know. Please understand. It's really difficult for me to contact you anymore.
H: Why cant we still be friends? You know the last thing I want is to not see you.
M: I know, but does it matter now? You are married and so am I
H: Married cannot have friends?
M: Harry, I know it's not right to say these, but I still love you a lot. I do, even now that I have 2 kids. It's really hard for me to continue seeing you as this will make me feel really bad - not being able to be with you. I dont know how you 'men' feel towards these, but for me, I just cant.
H: Sorry for hurting you again.
M: You are not hurting me. I love to see you, I feel great with you. If possible I want to be with you 24/7, but everything is just not right. We have missed the chance years ago. I have always thought, what would it be like if I see you again. I'm too afraid to meet you. I know it'll take years for me to put you down again.
H: Ok I understand.
M: There is just one thing I want to ask. Do you still love me?
H: Does it matter?
M: Yes it does to me.
H: Whether it's a yes or no, you will still feel as hurt, so why want to know?
M: You are right. I will never know the answer. Maybe it's better this way
H: Can I send you home? Since you are not driving
M: Sure
Wow, I didnt even realised it's so late. The clock shows 2am. We went into his car and not a word was spoken. It's funny. What's on both our minds? What were we both thinking at that moment? We stopped at a traffic light. I turned to him and said, "Can I have a hug?"
He gave me a big hug. We hugged so much, I didnt want to let him go. My face was so close to his. Unconsciously, I moved my cheek to his. It felt so great, so warm. He kissed me. I dont know how we ended kissing each other. He touched me, it felt so good. It has been such a long while...
"Shall we?" he asked.
I nodded, I did get the answer after all...
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
The Ticket
jmh"Please send this ticket to xxxxxxx, Melaka Raya"
I left the travel agent and head home to pack my stuffs. I took my passport and luggage, went downstairs and I was on the way to the airport. I check in and had coffee at a cafe in the terminal. At the sip of the caffeine-drink, I thought to myself, am I really right to be where I am now? I had signed the divorce letter just last week and now I'm in the airport waiting to fly off to Perth.
Well, if you think you are not in the right route, it is better to end it now than later. That's my philosophy though. Then the last call woke me up. I quickly run to my departure gate. I just wish the seat next to mine is empty. I opened the newspaper and looked at it blankly. I was reading line by line but nothing seemed to go into my brains.
Good enough, the seat was empty. I put my bags on the next seat, put on my earphone and started listening to the songs. At that moment I was thinking whether he will come over, when will he come? Do I have to wait forever? Thank god i brought a book, I know it's going to be a long and boring 5 hour flight.
When I arrived at the airport, I checked into Burswood Hotel. I opened the curtains to find the greatest view of the golf course. I have actually checked on my mobile phone almost a thousand times since I arrived.
These few days here, I have been so relaxed. I have no worries and my mind was for once free of thoughts. It has been such a long time since I came to Perth. It almost 10 years since I graduated. Not much changes though. Fremantle's seafood chowder tasted the same. The oysters were fresh as always. Nice nice place.
I have been here for the past 5 days, still no sign of him. Well, I have actually bought him a ticket to come see me. Well, at least he should have the courtesy to call and let me know if he is not coming over. At around 7pm, while I was in the bathroom taking my bath, I heard my phone rang. i quickly grabbed the towel and ran out. I answered, but the caller had hung up. Oh god, damn. Who is he? Is it him? Should I call him? When is he going to call back?
Suddenly the message beep prompted. I recalled the voice message which went...
'Hi, it's me, can you call me back? I don't know what you mean?"
Don't know what I meant? What else can you do with a flight ticket? Do you think I buy it for fun? Should I return his call? I thought I might as well send him an sms.
'hi, nice to finally get your call. I will be waiting for you in King's Park, at the big clock. 4pm where all the parrots are.'
Wow, right after that I off my phone. I wanted to make this more exciting.
I left the travel agent and head home to pack my stuffs. I took my passport and luggage, went downstairs and I was on the way to the airport. I check in and had coffee at a cafe in the terminal. At the sip of the caffeine-drink, I thought to myself, am I really right to be where I am now? I had signed the divorce letter just last week and now I'm in the airport waiting to fly off to Perth.
Well, if you think you are not in the right route, it is better to end it now than later. That's my philosophy though. Then the last call woke me up. I quickly run to my departure gate. I just wish the seat next to mine is empty. I opened the newspaper and looked at it blankly. I was reading line by line but nothing seemed to go into my brains.
Good enough, the seat was empty. I put my bags on the next seat, put on my earphone and started listening to the songs. At that moment I was thinking whether he will come over, when will he come? Do I have to wait forever? Thank god i brought a book, I know it's going to be a long and boring 5 hour flight.
When I arrived at the airport, I checked into Burswood Hotel. I opened the curtains to find the greatest view of the golf course. I have actually checked on my mobile phone almost a thousand times since I arrived.
These few days here, I have been so relaxed. I have no worries and my mind was for once free of thoughts. It has been such a long time since I came to Perth. It almost 10 years since I graduated. Not much changes though. Fremantle's seafood chowder tasted the same. The oysters were fresh as always. Nice nice place.
I have been here for the past 5 days, still no sign of him. Well, I have actually bought him a ticket to come see me. Well, at least he should have the courtesy to call and let me know if he is not coming over. At around 7pm, while I was in the bathroom taking my bath, I heard my phone rang. i quickly grabbed the towel and ran out. I answered, but the caller had hung up. Oh god, damn. Who is he? Is it him? Should I call him? When is he going to call back?
Suddenly the message beep prompted. I recalled the voice message which went...
'Hi, it's me, can you call me back? I don't know what you mean?"
Don't know what I meant? What else can you do with a flight ticket? Do you think I buy it for fun? Should I return his call? I thought I might as well send him an sms.
'hi, nice to finally get your call. I will be waiting for you in King's Park, at the big clock. 4pm where all the parrots are.'
Wow, right after that I off my phone. I wanted to make this more exciting.
Monday, May 22, 2006
Welcome Home
I was waiting for him in his house. As usual, he'll only arrive in KL in the late afternoon. Today, he called telling me that he won't reach KL until evening. A little disappointed, but it's okay, as long as he comes.
I went to shop for some groceries, thought we might as well stay home for dinner. I prepared everything and at around six-ish, I went to the kitchen to start cooking. Today pasta's on the menu. About half an hour later, I heard the opening of the door knob.
"Darling, I'm home." He came into the kitchen, with his hands hiding behind. When he saw me, he handed over a big bouquet of flowers. I always think that it's a waste of money, but once in a while, a girl needs these. I hugged and gave him a kiss. I retreated, as I was all sweating and I needed to get my dinner done. But he held me so hard, he didn't want to let go off me.
He started to kiss me all over. I told him, I was not ready, I was so sweaty and eeky. He said it was okay, as long as it's me. Just be me. Although the stove was off, nothing stopped us from having hot & steamy sex.
I guess dinner can wait after all...
I went to shop for some groceries, thought we might as well stay home for dinner. I prepared everything and at around six-ish, I went to the kitchen to start cooking. Today pasta's on the menu. About half an hour later, I heard the opening of the door knob.
"Darling, I'm home." He came into the kitchen, with his hands hiding behind. When he saw me, he handed over a big bouquet of flowers. I always think that it's a waste of money, but once in a while, a girl needs these. I hugged and gave him a kiss. I retreated, as I was all sweating and I needed to get my dinner done. But he held me so hard, he didn't want to let go off me.
He started to kiss me all over. I told him, I was not ready, I was so sweaty and eeky. He said it was okay, as long as it's me. Just be me. Although the stove was off, nothing stopped us from having hot & steamy sex.
I guess dinner can wait after all...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
My Home
Upon arriving at his hometown I called him. I have always loved Melaka, even way before I knew him. I loved the olden days stuffs. Not to say i can afford all those antiques, but I just love them. All I can do is look. Being in a historical state really makes me feel more alive. Do I really belong here? Am I meant to be here?
Me - Hey, I'm here. Where are you?
He - I'm drinking with the guys. Come join us.
Me - I don't think so. You guys go ahead, I will wait for you at home
He - Why not? Come over. It's just us.
Me - No, I think it's kind of not convenient for me to be there. Then they will restrict their talks. I will wait for you, meanwhile I go out with your mum.
He - It's okay, just come, I want to see you.
That is why I always love him. He always make me feel important, feel wanted. Without much hesistation, I drove straight to the cafe. When he saw me, he came over to me and gave me a hug. I kissed him back. Then we talked a while.
After that, my phone rang. It was aunty (his mum). She asked me where was I and was concerned why I was still not there. She was worried. I told her I was held back by her precious son. She asked if I wanted to go jogging with her. I looked at Harry, he shook his head. I was surprised, as he always loved it when I go out with his mum. I still remember him telling me it would be nice if I accompany his mum for her daily routine walk up the hill. He added that I might loose to his mum if we race up the hill. He loves his mum that I sometimes get jealous. But I understand the fact that no one can substitute a mother.
Anyway, I told aunty that I can't join her as we had something on, but we will join her for dinner. After hanging up, I asked Harry why. He said it has been a week since he saw me, he wanted to spend more time with me. So sweet, I thought. It was really difficult to live so far apart. Actually to think of it, it isn't really that far after all, but sometimes when you are in love, even if you live next to each other, it seemed like it's million miles away.
I just love him.
Me - Hey, I'm here. Where are you?
He - I'm drinking with the guys. Come join us.
Me - I don't think so. You guys go ahead, I will wait for you at home
He - Why not? Come over. It's just us.
Me - No, I think it's kind of not convenient for me to be there. Then they will restrict their talks. I will wait for you, meanwhile I go out with your mum.
He - It's okay, just come, I want to see you.
That is why I always love him. He always make me feel important, feel wanted. Without much hesistation, I drove straight to the cafe. When he saw me, he came over to me and gave me a hug. I kissed him back. Then we talked a while.
After that, my phone rang. It was aunty (his mum). She asked me where was I and was concerned why I was still not there. She was worried. I told her I was held back by her precious son. She asked if I wanted to go jogging with her. I looked at Harry, he shook his head. I was surprised, as he always loved it when I go out with his mum. I still remember him telling me it would be nice if I accompany his mum for her daily routine walk up the hill. He added that I might loose to his mum if we race up the hill. He loves his mum that I sometimes get jealous. But I understand the fact that no one can substitute a mother.
Anyway, I told aunty that I can't join her as we had something on, but we will join her for dinner. After hanging up, I asked Harry why. He said it has been a week since he saw me, he wanted to spend more time with me. So sweet, I thought. It was really difficult to live so far apart. Actually to think of it, it isn't really that far after all, but sometimes when you are in love, even if you live next to each other, it seemed like it's million miles away.
I just love him.
Monday, October 24, 2005
Meet After A Long While
I was all dressed up to join the guys for a drink. I always drive, to avoid me getting too much drink. I went in and greeted everyone I know. James always want me to start seeing someone. He was more worried than myself. Well, after the divorce, I thought I might just live alone for a while before getting attached again. I am so fine with living alone with my son. I don't know why James always think that I shouldn't tell anyone that I have a kid. He believes, as a man, it's really difficult for them to accept a woman with a kid.
Well, I totally disagree with him. I always tell him, "If he cannot accept the love of my life (my son), he doesn't deserve having me." That is one thing I can assure. Anyway, I have not thought of being with anyone, just yet.
We were as usual enjoying our drinks and sharing any issues we can think of. James told me that he has someone really good that he wants to introduce to me. I told him it's a waste of time. I don't mind having another friend, but the commitment thing can be left aside.
I had a funny feeling. Don't know why, maybe it's the lady-instinct. We ladies have sixth sense, whether or not you believe. I looked at the entrance and sawa familiar face. He was tall and well-built. I was collecting my mind of who he is. It can't be him. He doesn't come to places like these, it's too noisy. He looked different, more handsome, more manly.
I looked at him as he walked to me. He smiled and held out his hand "Long time no see." I can feel my jaw on the floor, my eyes were as big as a lychee, my face was burning like the barbeque. Suddenly the whole room was empty, just him & I. This moment lasted for almost 10 seconds, but it felt like 10 hours.
James' pat brought me back. I looked at Harry and said, "Yes, very long indeed." He gave me a hug I longed for. James was surprised we knew each other way before him. It doesn't matter though.
A lot of talking and I was dumbed. Everyone was so surprised that I didn't speak much. Not like me at all. I couldn't focus on anything else, but him. Soon, I couldn't stand it anymore, I walked up to him and pulled him aside. I wanted to have some time alone with him.
Well, I totally disagree with him. I always tell him, "If he cannot accept the love of my life (my son), he doesn't deserve having me." That is one thing I can assure. Anyway, I have not thought of being with anyone, just yet.
We were as usual enjoying our drinks and sharing any issues we can think of. James told me that he has someone really good that he wants to introduce to me. I told him it's a waste of time. I don't mind having another friend, but the commitment thing can be left aside.
I had a funny feeling. Don't know why, maybe it's the lady-instinct. We ladies have sixth sense, whether or not you believe. I looked at the entrance and sawa familiar face. He was tall and well-built. I was collecting my mind of who he is. It can't be him. He doesn't come to places like these, it's too noisy. He looked different, more handsome, more manly.
I looked at him as he walked to me. He smiled and held out his hand "Long time no see." I can feel my jaw on the floor, my eyes were as big as a lychee, my face was burning like the barbeque. Suddenly the whole room was empty, just him & I. This moment lasted for almost 10 seconds, but it felt like 10 hours.
James' pat brought me back. I looked at Harry and said, "Yes, very long indeed." He gave me a hug I longed for. James was surprised we knew each other way before him. It doesn't matter though.
A lot of talking and I was dumbed. Everyone was so surprised that I didn't speak much. Not like me at all. I couldn't focus on anything else, but him. Soon, I couldn't stand it anymore, I walked up to him and pulled him aside. I wanted to have some time alone with him.
Harry - Hey how are you? How's your husband & any kids yet?
I know he knows a lot about me from James, but still he is someone who wants confirmation.
Me - Well, I am great. I'm divorced..... with a son.
H - Ohhh, really, why? When was that?
M - About 3 months ago, I didnt call you cause I was afraid you might be seeing someone.
Silence.
M - So how's life? Are you seeing someone special?
H - Yes.
My heart wanted to fall out. But again, I forced out a smile.
M - That's nice, she must be so lucky.
H - I guessed so.
M - So where is she? Why isn't she here?
H - She is.
M - Really? Aren't you gonna introduce us? Or are you afraid I might create a scene here?
H - You know her. Just go into the toilet and look into the mirror.
I stood up and hugged him so hard. I whispered into his ear "I missed you so much, please make love to me."
We left everyone behind...
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