The BookShop 4

I pushed opened the door, he was there looking at his feet. Then he turned to look at me. "I forgot to give you back the book." He walked over to me and swept me off my feet. He brought me to the cushions, laid me down and came so close to my face. He looked deep into my eyes. I could feel his heartbeat. His body was so warm on top of me. I didn't know what to do. 
He used his hand to push my hair from my face. He was looking at every inch of my face, adoring. He kissed lightly on my forehead, my eyes closed. Then he came up and our eyes met again. He kissed me on my lips gently. His lips were so warm, it felt so good... One of his hands was on the back of my head and another was at my back. Soon it found its way to my buttons, and unlocked the first one. Suddenly I look up and held his hand, stopping him. "This is wrong, I can't do this." 
"But it feels so right..." He is god damn right. I have never felt like this, or has it been a long while since I ever had a man in my life. I felt so comfortable, he kissed me again. And this time, I didn't stop him from doing anything else. I'm all his. He touched every part of me, his breathing grew fast, so did mine.

Before I knew it, he was inside me. I felt myself burning, it was great. 

                                                      *   *   *   *   *

When I opened my eyes, I was in his arms. I think he is still sleeping. I sure hope he is still sleeping, the only thing I can think of now is to get out of here without waking him. I moved away from him, got up really quiet, put on my clothes, collecting everything else and made my way to the door. 

When I got into my car, the clock showed 330am. I quickly start the engine, and drove. As I was driving, there were so much going in my head. What happened? What have I done? Why did I do it? Why? I didn't even know his name, neither did he asked for mine. I have never done such thing, is this one of those one night stands people talk about? I don't like the thought of it, but I got to agree it felt great being with him. Everything felt so right. 

The BookShop 3

My everyday routine is going to work, then gym and then home. Well, once in a while I will slot in an hour or two of happy hour. 

Just like every other day, I went to work as usual. Today was a little busier than usual. At around 3pm, I finally had time to rest. I made a cup of coffee. While sipping, I I looked out my window, it was raining. The sky were grey. I opened my drawer hoping there were some biscuit to go together with my coffee. I saw the book, and it brought me back to the guy. I looked at the calendar, it has been almost 2 weeks. I thought I might drop by to return his book after work. It's kind of rude to keep it for too long.

I left work at around 8pm. I should have left earlier, I'm afraid the shop might be closed. Anyway, I have nothing else to do, so I might as well drop by. I made two rounds before I got myself a parking. It was drizzling, I rain to the shops, a little wet. I stopped in front of a shop to check my hair. Then I walked up the stairs, saw lights through the door. He is there, I guess. I knocked on the door, but no one opened the door. I turned the knob, it was not locked. "Hello, anyone there?" He stuck his head out from behind the shelves. "Hi, it's you. Give me a minute."

He: Hi, how are you?

Me: Good, I'm good, how are you?

He: Good, today is better. So, how can I help you?

Me: Oh, I came to return you the book.

He: Do you like it?

Me: It's very nice, I couldn't put it down, finished it in a day.

He: I'm glad you like it. Tea, black? Or do you feel like wine today?

Me: That's a good idea. White, please.

We spend the next hours chatting and drinking. We shared a lot, he is a divorcee too, his daughter stayed with his ex-wife. After the second bottle, we were laughing so much. We danced a little too. He told me he likes "All My Loving" jazz style. We danced to it. It was fun and I find myself really comfortable with him. He smells good. It felt really nice to be in his arms. I don't know what had gotten into me, I suddenly spoke.

Me: So, do you always bring girls up here, and give them a book?

He laughed. "No, only to those I feel I have chemistry with."

Me: Oh wow, and that would be how many?

He: How many, I really don't know, but you are the first.

He hugged me closer to him.

I looked at him, I felt my face burning, my heart beat faster. Don't know whether it's the wine or was I blushing. I didn't know what to say or do. A lot of questions came to my mind, those I have thought before, but no answers. When he laid his lips on my forehead, I was back to reality. I pushed him away gently, and said, "I think I need to go."

He: I'm sorry, you don't need to go. We will just sit and drink ok?

Me: No, it's ok, it's really late and I need to go home. 

I grabbed my bag and left. When I was walking down the stairs, I saw the book in my bag. Oh dear, I went back up to give him back the book. 

The BookShop 2

As I was driving home, I cannot stop thinking about him. He is not extremely handsome, but he's smart. I kind of have a funny feeling about him. He is charming. We talked about a lot of things, and wait. What's his name? Oh dear, I didn't asked his name, he didn't asked mine too. This is really crazy. Will I see him again? Am I going to meet him? Why didn't he asked for my number? Not to mention number, he didn't even bother asking for my name. 

I stopped at the traffic lights, and looked at the passenger seat. There it was, the book that he gave me, titled "At First Sight". I have to return him this book. So I will have to just walk up to his place again, that would be funny.

I finally reached home. Everyone was out. I decided to stay in. I poured myself a glass of Rose, grabbed the book and went to my favorite couch. I couldn't put the book down. It's really nice. Before I knew it, I finished that bottle and the book. I looked at the time, it was already 1:30am. What happened to dinner, but I was too tired to cook. 

The book was so nice. After I finished the book only did I realised something similar. It's about a man meeting the girl when it was raining heavily, and the guy owns a bookstore. Is that a coincident? And finally they fell in love and their story was beautiful. I dozed off...

The next morning I woke up to work. I grabbed the book and put in my bag. I was busy the whole morning. I felt so hungry, I didn't eat last night. No wonder. I went to grab a sandwich. As I was sitting there alone, I thought of him again. Darn, I don't even know his name. Is the book an excuse for him to see me again? This is really too coincidental. Does he do that to every woman that stands in the rain? Does he wait to see if any girl stood there in the rain and give her the book? Am I just one of those girl? Or does he give a book to every other woman with the same story? If I see you in the library, I give you a book about the guy that meets her in the library. Well, he did read a lot, so no story can get out of his hands.

Anyway, why am I thinking so much? It's just a casual invite to tea, and I have to return the book to him. But I thought I shouldn't give him back now. It will seemed like I can't wait to read or even to see him. 

I left the book and the guy off my mind. I didn't think about him for the next few days... 

The BookShop 1

Oh dear, why is it raining? Not that I do not like the rain, but at times like these, I need a clear blue sky. It's been almost 30 minutes since I stood here, waiting to get my car. Usually I would just run in the rain. I rather get wet than standing alone. Anyway, I just stood there, head down, looking at my phone. As I was scrolling down my instagram, someone knocked me. Thank god I didn't drop my phone. I looked up and saw this guy. He is smart. Tall and clean. My first impression was wow. I hope I didn't say it out loud. 

He apologised. I don't know how many times he apologised before I finally said it's ok. 

He smiled and asked "Waiting for the rain to stop?" 
"Yup, and I'm not an umbrella person." I smiled. 
He laughed a little. "Me too." After a few seconds of silence, "Guess the rain won't stop so soon, do you want to come to my place for a while?"
I nearly chocked... I looked at him, "Oh, don't get me wrong, I have a shop here. Well, I thought you might want to grab a coffee while waiting." 
I giggled, "Oh, ok. good idea."

We walked past three shops, and then he led me up the stairs. He pointed at the sign that read "The BookShop". How creative, eyes rolling... I didn't expect a bookshop, thought it was some kind of bar or coffee place. Well, at least I didn't thought a man like him would like to read. 

When he opened the door, that was my second Wow. It looks nothing like those typical bookstores. All the shelves were antique, traditional antique. What I truly love. I wow-ed, he smiled. I went around looking at his furnitures, and books. It was so cozy. At the right corner, there were few big cushions and a short table. It looks so comfy to be there. 

He asked, "so, would you prefer coffee or tea?" Before I answered, "Well, I have wine too."
I gave him a smile and replied, "I think I'll just have tea, black. Thank you." 

While he made the drinks, I walked around again. I couldn't stop myself from looking at all the things. I love the cabinet behind his counter. Even the counter is wooden. The paintings on the wall go so well with the furniture. 

Then I saw him walking over to table with the drinks. I went over to sit with him. He is so charming. 

Me: This place is awesome. What makes you do this?
He: Well, I love to read, I guess I read too much, my house can't fit these. So I opened this place.
Me: Wow, that's a lot of books you read. So are they for sale?
He: Well, most people come to buy, I would sell. But some titles that I love, I will just rent them out. Do you read?
Me: Yes I do. But not this much. (Still looking around like a little girl finding a doll)
I can feel him looking at me. I turn to look at him.
Me: That's why I hate technology.
He: Tech? Why?
Me: Books are meant to be read, flipping the pages. Making your own bookmarks. Not reading from a tablet. Flipping pages is only a swipe. Bookmark is a tap. The shelves in the house gets smaller, or sometimes there isn't even a shelf in the house. 
Whopps, sorry, I bore you.
He: No, you didn't. I totally agree with you.

He: So, what books do you read? 
Me: You must think that I'm crazy.
He: All book readers are crazy. So what's it? 
Me: Hahaha, No girly lovey stories. Crime, triller.
He: It's ok, most books are crime.

Then we went on talking about stuffs that do not matter over our tea. Nothing personal, just what's happening in the world, some general stuff. 

Suddenly I realised, the rain has stopped. 

Me: Hey, I think I better get going. The rain's stopped. Thank you so much for offering a place and that cup of tea.
He: Oh, so soon? Wait.

He went behind the shelves, and came back with a book. He gave it to me.

He: Please read this. But this isn't crime. It's just a story that I would like to share with you. 
Me: Ok, how much is this?
He: This is not for sale. And please return it ok?
Me: Ok.

And I left...

Something Different

I texted him, told him to get ready for tomorrow's jog.

We thought it would be good to do something different, rather than the boring daily routine.

So, early the next morning, I got up and messaged him, he told me he was on the way. He was in his workout clothes, but he still looked sleepy. "Can't you comb your hair before coming out?" He replied, "I could hardly put on my clothes, you want me to comb my hair?" I laughed and we left.

We walked in the park, after 5 rounds, we thought we are done with it. We rested a bit and left for home to change. He brought me back to his house, as it was nearly to the park. I bathed there. After that, he asked, what's next. We went for brunch, coffee and American breakfast. We sat there and chat. 

After that, we parked our car at the LRT station, and took the train to somewhere. We bought tickets and went for a ride. The train is not as bad as I thought. It was kinda nice to experience it at home. We reached back at the origin around evening.

The next on the list is horror movie. He said he is afraid of watching horror, and I find it totally funny. Such a big guy, but afraid of ghost? LOL. As today is to do something different, I bought tickets. We bought popcorn and drinks and went into the cinema. I find Asian horror the scariest. I closed my eyes with my hands, and he did too. Half way into the movie, he asked "can I hold your hand?" Before I answered, he took it. He held one hand, and the other, he used to cover his eye. It felt funny, but he said, since I said to do something different, he held my hand.

I think we spent most of the time laughing and closing our eyes.

Anyway, we left the cinema, it was still a little early for dinner. So we went for a massage. We went for thai massage instead. There were no more rooms, so we had to share a room. So I asked him to wait outside while I changed. He came in a little later with the masseurs. As we lay there, he said, "wow, this is really something different. You realized we are actually sleeping together, right?" Sometimes, I really don't know to laugh or be angry with him. Yup, we spent the next 2 hours "sleeping together".

After that, we went for dinner. We drank, as usual. We always drink over dinner, nothing unusual bout it. The only difference is that we drank a lot more. We drank until the waitress told us it was time to close. He drove me home, and accompanied me up to my house.

I told him to stay, as he was too drunk to drive. He said he can, but he needed to use the toilet. So I went into my room to change. I was too drunk, I forgot I left the door opened. He came out of the toilet, I guess he saw me topless for a while. I turned and he told me he was going to leave. I told him, he can sleep in the other room if he wants. He said he will rest & sober up on the sofa. Ok, I went in to bed.

I dozed off... After a while, I felt someone climbing onto my bed. He hugged me, and whispered, "This is something different too, I will just hug you to sleep. Don't worry, nothing more." I felt too comfortable to stop him. We slept till morning.

When I woke up, I looked at him. He looked so cute sleeping... Sometimes, I wonder, if what we were doing is wrong, but it really felt so right. I left for work, and left him a note asking him to lock my doors.

While I was at work, he messaged me.

HE: Why did you leave me alone?
ME: I got to work
HE: I'm not good enough for you to take time off?
ME: I need to come back to the office, a lot of work to do
HE: Ok, so are we still doing something different?
ME: No, anything more different will be dangerous
HE: ;)

I didn't replied. He is just too cute.

Heart Overrule #2

He drove me to a restaurant, not posh. I know he doesn't like going to those place. It's a small cafe-like restaurant. Small and cozy. I like the deco, very vintage. I thought he brought me here because I like vintage. Told you he knows very much about me. 

We ate and drank, talked and laughed so much. It was really nice being with him. He always makes me feel comfortable, and he allows me to be myself. He doesn't judge me. He has never stopped me from doing anything. In fact, he encourages me... It's not like we are dating or anything, it's just that we like each other's company. 

We do disturb each other sometimes... like the message we had earlier on the hugging thingy. I guess it's just an understanding between us both. It's really funny how things are between us. I don't know why, whenever I think of him, he will message me in some way. 

Before we knew it, it was already half past eleven. The restaurant is closing, and we had finished 3 bottles of wine. When I asked for the bill, he said he already paid. Well, I thought I owe him a dinner. He said, "It's your birthday, I buy."

He sent me home and walked me up. I opened the door and turned to face him, exchanged goodbyes. He said, "Can I redeem your promise now?" I gave him a kiss on his cheek, a long one. As I was about to walk into the house, he pulled me and held me so hard in his arms. I felt so warm and comfortable. He then looked me in the eyes and wanted to kiss me. I moved away. "Although I'm divorced, you are still married. Who am I? I don't want to be a third party."

He said, still holding my hands, "Your head overruled your heart again. It's ok." He kissed me on the forehead and let my hands go. Why is it that he understands me so much?
I hold him back, hugged him and whispered into his ear, "For once, I'm listening to my heart."

Heart Overrule #1

With social networking, suddenly everyone remembers your birthday. Tonnes and tonnes of wishes fill your timeline. Genuine or not, they just see and wish for sake... So I don't know when, I have removed my birthdate from the social network. Only few genuine, good friends send you wishes, some are funny, some are really from their hearts, warm. I always believe, it's quality that matters, not quantity.

Anyway, Zdor remembers. He sent me a message, it reads "Go to Landmark, Level 9 Lot 10.18 @ 1400hours". I replied "Meet you there." He said "I'm not going, you enjoy."

He is always so secretive. Well, I decided not to google for the shop and just go there for a surprise. I reached around 145pm, I went straight to the highest floor of Landmark. The hall was big with many many shops surrounding the empty space. All the shops were mostly spa or anything to do with serenity. I found my way to Lot 10.18. It was a spa, I told them my name, and they brought me in. Wow... just what I needed, he always knows what I want.

I send him a message "just what I needed." and for the next 3 hours or more, all I did was relax, relax and relax. It was so nice being pampered. I have always wanted to do this for my birthday, however, I never made it come true, either I was too busy, or I was too lazy. 

I started off with a nice warm bubble bath, a sauna, then a body scrub, and a facial and ended the 3 hours with a nice massage. Talk about perfection. I changed, and took my phone. 

ME: Hey, thanks a million, I'm feeling perfect.

HE: How're you gonna thank me?

ME: Buy you dinner, k?

HE: OK

ME: This is so good, I sooooo wanna give you a hug

HE: Can also, can add a kiss too?

ME: Well, if you appear in front of me now, I promise I will. As in now...

HE: Stop looking at your phone, look where you're going

I looked up, he was standing right in front of me. And that really is Now.

He held out his arms and said, "So?"

I went and hugged him hard for a while, then left his arms. I looked at him, he pointed to his cheeks. I smiled, and he said, "It's ok, I'll leave that for another day, let's go"

You can never guess what he thinks. I said, "Go? Go where? What about my car?"

He replied, "Go eat, you owe me a dinner remember? Leave your car here."

It's nice to see him

I got dressed up for the special event. I'm not very close to both the bride and the groom, but this is the first time I'm attending a "red carpet" event. Well, at least I couldn't recall when was the last time I got myself so dressed up for an event. Anyway, not too much, just plain black long dress. Gina told me not to overdo, just put fake lashes and little make up will get me going. I always thought I'm pretty. Hehe. My hair, as straight as always. I don't frequent the saloon nor do I like to wear heavy make up. 

Since I'm going alone, I left a little later. I don't like to attend functions and all. But this is the first I'm attending being single. I rather go later, then waiting in the hall with strangers. 

As I walked down the stairs to the hall, I felt a little uneasy, as I felt like the whole world is looking at me. But what am I afraid off, I'm pretty. I look out for people whom I know. I spotted Sheling. Thank god. I went to her and for the rest of the night I was with her and friends. They are a bunch of nice people who loves drinking and laughing, suits me well. 

I went to the ladies alone, and as I walked out, I thought I saw a familiar face. It was Ed. Wow, it has been ages since we last met. I gave him a hug, and he asked me to accompany him smoke. I did, from that little ciggarette it led to a 20-minute chat, and he found out I was divorced and he told me he has problems with his wife. Typical guy's talk. It was really nice to meet him. We took a few selfie together, and left to our own tables.

As I was drinking, I was looking out for him. I thought of him, I wanted him to come over. He did come, he knows the people I was drinking with. So he sat and we drank together. 

It just felt nice to see an old friend. A friend whom has loved me so much before. 

Enough to know #2

It has been weeks since I last saw him, or even spoke to him.

Everytime I start my skype, I would hope for him to message me, but zero. He has been fairly quiet on FB too.
It was another rainy afternoon, people said you tend to think more when it rains, when the skies are grey. I agree, I went to make myself a cup of warm coffee. When I got back, my skype was blinking with 2 unread messages, I clicked on it. It's from Dor. The first line was Hi, the second How are you?

ME: wow, what a way to break the ice. Hi, and I'm good.
HE: Have been busy lately
ME: Real busy or pretend busy?
HE: Real, and now I'm resting having a coffee, so I message you
ME: I see, so privilege of me.
HE: So? What's up?
ME: Nothing much, work, kids, friends, drink and drunk
*Dor is typing...* Before he finish his typing, I wrote...
ME: I miss you
and logged off skype

I didnt know what to expect from him and I didnt know what to answer him again, but I couldnt help telling him that. And that's when my phone beeped. It was a message from him. "Why did you log out" No reply.

It's almost 7, and I'm late to meet Tee in Bays. It was supposed to be a 530 happy hour, but I was caught up at work. When I reached, I walked in and I saw a familiar face. Dor was there. I was surprised. "How come you are here?" Tee said he called to ask her where she was, and there he was.

I smiled to him. We drank and talked and laughed like before. When Tee went to the ladies, I asked him again why was he there. He said, "You said you miss me, so here I am for you to see." We both smiled.

There is something that we both understand. Yes we like each other, but that's it. Nothing more. We will not go any further. We understand the feeling between us, and it felt good.

Enough to know #1

After the divorce, I have been really closed to Dor. Even before the divorce, we were close friends, we share a lot and all. Now that I am single again, I tend to go out more. I would join anyone who goes out for a drink, or a dinner or just whatever.

So once in a while, I would join Dor for drinks, and would end up in massages, or sometimes we would just drink while having out foot reflexology. Things were fine, we were who we are. We know there is a line in between us, and nothing goes beyond that line.

One night as usual, we went for a drink with some friends, and there happened to be a new guy. He paid extra attention to me. He looked interested in me. He started talking to me. And soon everyone left, only Dor, Beet and me were there. I went to the ladies, and when I got out, I overheard Beet asking Dor if there were anything between us. I thought I heard wrongly, I just went in and they stopped. So we left.

From that night on, Dor has been avoiding me. No skype, no messages, no calls. He would give me excuses like busy. There must be something... So after 2 weeks of giving me a cold shoulder, I finally messaged him, asked him to come out for dinner and he better do!

He did. We sat there with food and drinks in between us. Not much talking, well I should say, only I did the talking, all he did was nod. He did not look me in the eye either. Strange.

ME: Is there anything wrong? What's gotten into you?
HE: Nothing.
ME: If you are still giving me a one word answer, you can just leave.
*silence*
ME: Is it something Beet said the other night at Ventures?
His eyes grew bigger.
ME: Yup, I think he is right, I think I have feelings for you. And that's really weird. I dont mind you not liking me, but for you to ignore me like this, it's really bad. If you are still gonna keep quiet... that's it. I'll see you again. Bye
I got up and went out of the restaurant.

He came running from behind and held my hand. He looked at me and said, "Don't do that."
ME: Do what?
HE: Just leave like that.
ME: You are very funny, I was in there talking to you for the past 2 hours, all I got was yes, yup, ya. and now you are telling me not to do that? It's ok. I can live with it.
HE: If there is nothing... I wouldnt avoid you... but it's just not right, I just can't.
He held my hands, and he was looking into my eyes. And this time, it was me who felt uncomfortable.
ME: Yup, I know what you mean. This is enough for me to know. Will just keep a distance for a while.

We just know Part 2

I had a good sleep, when I woke up it was already 10. Gin was not at the next bed, must have gone diving. I laid there on the bed recalling what happened last night, was it a dream or did it really happen? Dam marijuana. 

I got up and changed and left the room with my phone and the paperback I had yet to finish. I decided not to call Dor yet. I sat there at the corner and ordered my ala carte breakfast. I opened the book and thought I can have a me-time for a while. The thoughts of last night, of Dor came interrupting. When I looked at my watch, for the past 10 minutes I was holding my book, I was reading the same line over and over. 

Suddenly there was a voice behind me. "Hey, why didnt wake me?" 

Sigh, I really dont know how to reply or what to say. I really like him. I do. But it just felt so wrong. 

He : Hey, where is the Cordon Bleu?

Me: Ermm, I'm not drinking today.

He: I'm just asking, not asking you to drink. Why? You scared of me?

Damn, I felt myself blushing. And we just continue talking and eating. 

When the both of them came up after their first dive of the day, Beetee asked why arent we drinking. And Dor went back to get the bottle out. After 2 glasses, Beetee & Gin went back to dive. We continued. This time we drank at the beach, with my mp3 on. 

We got crazy again... I felt so comfortable beside him. Then I pulled him up asked him to dance with me. WTF. I think I'm really drunk. He did entertain me, though. Then I felt a little tired, I hugged him, rested my head on his shoulder. Wow, what was I thinking. He didnt pushed me away. He held me back. It felt so nice. And then again, we were being interrupted by a phone call. We split, he answered his call. Then the both came up, we went back to bathe and got ready for dinner. 

We didnt really talked about what happened. It seemed like we have an understanding that it will never happen. We know there is a bond, but no way we are going further. Why is it that something so wrong can feel so right. I so want to be alone with him. I just felt nice being in his arms...

Nothing did happened, Nothing will happen. 

We just know Part 1

I have always wanted to get away from work for a while. So Gin organised a diving trip. I tagged along. Even Beetee and Dor came. Dor agreed that we stay on shore, relax & drink while both of them go diving.

I was kinda excited. Going out with friends. As planned, after their dive in the day, we had dinner and then followed by drinks that we BYO. We drank a lot. I always believe it's the company that matters. We had so much fun, and this will last for the next 3 more days. 

On the second day, Dor & I didnt wait for them. We started earlier ourselves while they dive. By dinner time, I was already high. We laughed so much and I can't really remember what shit we talked about. 

God knows where Beetee found marijuana. We all took a stick and enjoyed. We laughed extra much, talked extra loud. I really don't know what it was we were laughing about. All 4 of us were at our happiest. Towards later, Gin fell asleep on the bench. Left the 3 of us. I then realised that my keys were missing. Looked high and low for it, but still can't find. I needed to go to the front desk to get a new set. 

Dor walked me there, as he thought I might not be able to make it back. I couldnt walk straight. he held my arms. We were laughing and walking zig-zag. The journey seemed longer than usual. And then, I tripped on some stones, and found myself against the wall. Dor stopped right in front of me. He was so close, he looked into my eyes. I looked back. Somehow, the marijuana made everything else disappear. I could only felt his presence. 

There were no movement. We were both like statues at the walkway. I was breathing so loudly, I think he can hear me. Things in my mind were all so wrong, things I shouldn't even be thinking. As we were close to having things done wrongly, my phone rang. It brought us back to reality. It was Beetee, asking why we were so long. We quickly went to collect the keys and back to meet them. 

As we reached, I told them that I was tired and needed to go back to rest. 

This is so wrong #3

The clock was ticking. It was 630pm, I was still at home, not changed. The whole of today, I don't see him anywhere online. Where is he? He doesn't want me to get hold of him, so that I can't cancel tonight's dinner. Smart. He knows me so well.
At 715pm, I finally got up to put on my jeans and off I went. As I opened the door, I found him seated at our usual table. I sat, he looked at me. He looked so deep into my eyes as if he can see through me. "I thought you would never come." "I was only 15 minutes late. Is that very long?" "You know what I mean. Anyway... I'm glad you came. Let's order first."

I didnt eat much though. My mind was filled with thoughts. I was preparing answers for the potential questions from him. "So, is it me?" interrupted my thoughts. Wow, I didn't expect that question, and I didnt prepare any answer for that. I continued eating, as if I didnt hear. "Hello, hello..." I looked up, he was looking at me, "Is it me?"

ME: It doesnt matter.
HE: It does to me.
ME: What are you trying to get out of this? There is nothing, it doesnt matter. Please just forget about this and move on. Can?
HE: No. Just tell me.
He is forever that persistant.
ME: One - You have a family. Two - James & you are good friends.
HE: Why are you always putting others in front? Can't you just be selfish? You are already divorced, why do you still care how people think of you? Why can't you just think for yourself?
ME: I have.
HE: You have not, if you have, why don't you just be with the guy you like?
ME: Because I can't. I don't want to be a bitch who breaks up a family.
HE: The family is already broken
ME: Whether or not it's broken, it's still a family now. I don't want to be blamed.
HE: WTF

Silence filled the air. For the rest of the dinner, no words were spoken, no eyes were met. He then ordered a bottle of single malt. We drank through the night. We kind of understand, have a mutual understanding about the relationship we have. It will never change. He still treats me good, I will still care for him. As we drank, we started talking again. Nothing on that, just like old days. Talk whatever rubbish, laugh at silly jokes. We were too drunk to drive separate cars. So i hopped into his car. He drove me home.

When we reached, he walked me up as usual. I opened the door and went in, before I closed the doors behind me, he pulled me back into his arms. He stared me in the eyes... I pull him closer and kissed him. He kissed me so hard, I wanted him so much. He moved to my ears and whispered, "Can you be selfish for once?"

This is so wrong #2

After that night, everything went back to normal. We were still good friend who go drink and eat.

On another occassion, we went out to celebrate Tim's promotion. We were drinking, but that day I drank extra a little. I went to the toilet and when I came out, I saw Jay. He just came out from the men's. I suddenly tripped and fell to his arms. We were so close, we have never been that close. He held me close, and his face came closer. I can feel him breathing. He kissed me, I didnt push him away. I held him closer. When I got back to my senses, I pushed him away. "This is so wrong." I said.
He looked at me and said, "Yes, it's wrong, but it felt so right." I turned and before I walked away, he added "It's not June, isn't it?" I looked him in the eyes, "It doesn't matter, does it?"

I went out and downed a glass of brandy. I told them I needed to leave early. I went home. Once I reached home, I put my phone on airplane mode. I didn't want any calls. I need to recollect my thoughts. Did I really call him to tell him I like him the other night? When did all these started? I have always kept the distance. I never would start something that has no ending. How am I suppose to face him again? But he was right, it really felt so right.

For the next few days, I appeared offline on all social networking or chat that I have. Whatsapp was off too. Jay did called, but either I don't pick up or I just tell him I was busy.

Then again, we have too many mutual friends. It's Jane's son's birthday, and obviously we were both invited. And I never miss kids' birthdays. I just hope that he doesn't go. I don't feel good seeing his children and his wife. What am I suppose to do?

I reached early as usual. I love taking pictures of kids' birthday parties. Surprising, Jay came alone. Did he read my mind? Why would he come to a kid's party without his children? I tried to be occupied. I tried to be busy. I went around snapping pictures of all the children, until I have nothing more to shoot. Jane asked me to sit and rest for a while. I have no choice, I sat there, right across Jay. I know he was looking at me, but I avoid any eye contact with him. And suddenly I felt hungry, I went to grab some food, and when I turned, he was there. "Are you avoiding me?" I don't know what to say. "Why are you avoiding me? When are you gonna start answering my calls?"

Oh my god, I replied, "Ok, please, don't talk about this here. I don't want to talk about this."
"Talk about what? We are not talking at all. What is the 'this' that you are refering to? I'm asking you a question."
"Ok, can we talk this somewhere else? Dinner tomorrow."
"Where? Time?"
"Same place, 730"

Before going to bed that day, I thought, should I go? Should I really talk to him? I am no good at talking, maybe I should just find him on MSN and chat from there, or just whatsapp him. I don't want to look him in the eyes. I went to my computer, find him nowhere - MSN nor FB. Whatsapp him, no reply. *Damn*

This is so wrong #1

I have known Jay from James. They were friends since 20 years ago. I wasn't as close to Jay as before the divorce. Ever since then, we talked, more of chat over social network. He would find me on MSN, or sometimes FB or even whatsapp. Once in a while we would whatsapp till late. Everything was fine. I treated him like a good friend and vice versa. However, when I don't see him on any of those chats, I kind of have this weird feeling. Is this missing someone? Why would I miss him? I know his wife, his children and his siblings as well. This is crazy, that's what I always tell myself.

He would invite me to join for a drink with his guy friends, sometimes to massages.

There was once, Jay, Bel & I went for a drink. A guy from the next table came to talk to me. After a while, he became a little touchy, I moved away. Then before we left, he kept on insisting on getting my phone number which I avoid giving. Jay was angry and he went up to him. It was going to lead to a scene, thank god it didn't. It was funny, why would he react that way. Bel & I were puzzled for a while.

Anyway, I went out drinking with the girls. It was Jean's birthday. I drank quite a lot, and I didnt know how I ended at home. Under the intoxicated mind of mine, I remembered picking up the phone to call Jay;
ME: Hey, what are you doing?
HE: It's kinda late now right? Where have you been?
ME: Went out with the girls.
HE: Yes, wassap?
ME: Can I trust you?
HE: Of course
ME: If I tell you something, can you keep it to yourself?
HE: uh hmm
ME: Can you forget about everything I am going to tell you?
HE: Ok, what is it? What do you want to tell me?
ME: About my feelings...
HE: Ok, what about? Tell me
ME: ............................ (silence)
*tooooot tooooooot*

I heard my phone rang, but I was too tired to answer it. Within seconds, I dozed off.

When I woke up the next morning, as usual I took my phone to check on the time. It was 825am, and there were 5 missed calls from Jay - the last one was at 310am. What happened? Why has he called me at this odd hour. I sent him a whatsapp message - "Are you alright?" He didn't reply.

At around 1130am, he called me. He asked to meet for dinner. I said ok, and asked him what it was about that he called so late. He said will talk over dinner. What's the suspence?

I met him at HMN at 730pm...
ME: So, what was that about? Calling me so late?
HE: Are you ok? You called me.
ME: Me? What for? What did I say?
HE: You don't remember? Were you that drunk? So unlike you.
ME: It was Jean's birthday so I drank a little more. So, what did I say?
HE: Hmm, you asked if you can trust me.
ME: Aha
HE: You said you were gonna tell me something, and that I need to forget whatever you told me.
ME: Ok, obviously you didnt. And what else?
HE: You, mmm, said you liked someone...
(What the hell? What did I tell him?)
ME: Oh, really?? and did I say who?
HE: No... you hung up, that's why I called you back.

Thank god, but who can that be? Someone I like? Not that I know of. Did my subconscious called to tell him I like him? Do I really like him? What am I doing?

HE: So, who is that? Who is that that you like?
ME: I don't know, and I don't remember saying any of those
HE: You think I made it up?
ME: No, but... I really don't know.
HE: Just tell me. U can trust me.
ME: Ok, if you really have to know. It's someone that I can't like
HE: That's interesting
ME: Someone I shouldn't like. People will disagree to this.
His eyes rolled wide open, and I can see that he is waiting for the answer.
ME: It's June
His jaw fell and his only reply was, "What the F**k?"
I was laughing inside me too, what ridiculous answer did I give?
He knew I lied, but there was no way he is getting anything out of me anymore. So we continue our dinner with wine and left for home...

If I hadn't knew her (II)

We woke up and went to look for them. We spend the next day drinking, beaching, relaxing and all. It was really great. I suddenly felt so comfortable with Way. Way & I were always together, as Gina & Jon stuck together like glue.

As night grew, we went dancing and drinking again. The club was really packed. Way held my hand and walked me through the crowd. We found a table and started drinking. We had a lot. I felt myself getting closer to Way. At one point I was so tired, I leaned on him. He put his arms around me.

Then it was time to leave. We took a cab and went back to the hotel. Again, Way followed me back to my room. I went to bathe. When I came out, Way was drinking wine. He invited me to join him, and I did. We turned on the MP3 and enjoyed the wine. He pulled me up and danced with me. He held me so close to him.

He kissed me on the forehead, then on my nose and as he was about to kiss my lips, I pushed him away. He apologised and pulled me back. He said, "We'll just dance." I rested my head on his shoulder and said, "I wish I hadn't known your wife." "Why?" I replied "Cause if not, I will make you the happiest man tonight." and pushed him away again.

He pulled me back and the room started to heat up......

If I hadn't knew her (I)

I cannot remember when was the last time I went on holiday with Gina. Just the both of us. We swear we are going to enjoy to the fullest. We checked in to the hotel and changed into our bathing suit. Headed straight to the beach. We laid on the beach and turned on our mp3. It felt so good.

As we were relaxing, I saw a familiar face. It was Way. Wow, what a coincident to see him so far away from home. Way is Mr's friend since young. I haven't seen him quite a while after the divorce. He walked up to me and we chatted. He was with a group of friends. We were staying in the same hotel. He said we might as well hang out together. No harm done. Gina agreed too.

I have not talked to him this much before. We talked a lot, but nothing about families. Well, if he doesn't want to talk about his wife, I shall not ask. Gina was having a good time too. It was kinda late, so we went back to bathe, but agreed to meet up for dinner and drinks.

At 7pm, we waited at the lobby. Everyone dressed up. We went for dinner with the 4 guys. Then we headed to a club nearby. We danced and drank. I can see that Jon - Way's friend was hitting on Gina. They were enjoying themselves. While I sat and entertained the other 3 men. I was not bored, I still enjoyed. I have heard lots about Way from Mr. How he handle girls around him and all. I really do enjoyed his company. No wonder Mr always said he is good with girls.

The night was growing late. It was time to leave. On the way home, Gina told me that she would spend the night with Jon. Ok ok, we have agreed to have a great time, so I don't want to spoil hers. So I said ok. And that will mean I have to sleep alone. We exchanged goodnight and I went back to my room. I bathed. I heard the doorbell ring. I took my bathrobe and opened the door. It was Way. "Can I borrow a bed? I have been ditched. Your friend has taken my bed. I only wanna sleep."

Oh dear, both of them left both of us alone. I let him in and went to the bathroom to change. I couldn't really sleep. I can tell that he is awake too.

HE: Are you sleeping?

ME: Nope, still wide awake.

And we spent the next hour talking again before we both dozed off...

From the first day (Pt V)

My phone rang at 7 sharp. A fairly punctual man. I went down and he was there. He was wearing a white shirt and jeans. He left the shirt 1/4 unbuttoned. Cool, I thought. I always like men in white shirts. No flowers, no gifts, ok that is not quite a date. Well, at least I know he wont be confessing. I hope not.

He brought me to a nice bar. I thought we were suppose to be having dinner. Anyway, it's ok. After we sat, we just talked, and then I wondered, why arent we ordering, I am hungry. Before I asked, the waiter brought soup. "I have ordered for us, hope you dont mind." I smiled... and then the dinner began. I loved the food.

We did not mention anything about that day. We just laughed and ate and drank. Before we knew it, we are already at our 3rd bottle of Moet Chandon.

"You heard what Dave & I said that day right?" he asked. Wow, that really caught me by surprise. I thought he would not ask. Oh dear, I was speechless, didnt know what to say. Finally I spilt out "aha."

"Erm, yes, I like you a lot. I have always liked you, even before the divorce." Me, silence again. "It's ok, you dont have to say anything. It's just something I need to get out of my heart. It has been there for so long. I feel so much better now. The other day when I saw you, I know I cannot let go of any chances, so I went massage with you. When the guy hit you, I felt the pain too. I'm so sorry."

I finally broke the silence, "Are you drunk?" what the hell, I am such an idiot, what a question.

He took my hand and put on his chest. His hand was warm, very, and so was his chest. I can feel his heart pumping. "Can you feel my heart? It beats this fast everytime I see you." he was looking into my eyes. "Give me another 2 bottles, then talk to me bout drunk."

I stood there, still. I really didn't know what to say. I like him, but I don't want to start anything. It's kind of hard for me to get back into a relationship again. What will my kids think? How are his family going to accept me? He interrupted my thoughts, "Are you ok?" I just looked at him - lost of words.

He let go off my hand. "I know it's hard for you to accept me in such a short time. You don't have to say anything, like I've said, I just wanted you to know how I feel." I don't know what made me hold his hands again. I took his hand and put on my chest. "This is how my heart beats whenever I see you."

From the first day (Pt IV)

With the social networking nowadays, you cant seem to have secrets. Most of the things can be obtained from the net. Thank god no one brought their cameras into the battlefield the other day. Anyway, I found something. I saw Dr. P's status update - Dr P dont know where to start? Hmm, is he talking about me? He doesnt know where to start asking me to go out? What is it? Why do I care? I'm really not ready to go into another relationship just yet. Yes, having all that attention again is good. Every girl loves attention. I love attention too.

What do I do if he really confess? Where should we start? I dont want to start anything, I dont want to loose him as a friend either. I dont know what I want, women are just too fickle.

Today is a Thursday, my massage day. Do you think he will be there waiting for me again? Do you think we should share the same room again? Should I go today? Well, why not? I cant change my routine. So I changed and drove to my usual parlour. I felt my heart beating so fast while I push open the doors. But he wasnt there. No sight of him. I went in and had my massage.

I left for home. Logged on to FB and found a message in my inbox.

"Sorry unable to join you for massage tonight, something came up. Hope you had a great one."

Looking at the message made me think,

1) why is he telling me this?
2) has my massage routine been his routine as well?

I was puzzled, then my phone rang:

HE: Hi, how was your massage?
ME: Oh, great, just that my massuer was shock when she saw my back with those bruises
HE: I'm so sorry
ME: It's ok, u didnt do it
HE: Well, I did in a way. I asked you to play. Anyway, you free for dinner tomorrow?
ME: Should be ok
HE: Ok I'll pick you at 7

The next day seemed to be so slow. When the clock struck 5pm, I packed and left for home. I went up to dress myself. I was ready by 6pm.

From the first day (Pt III)

The day finally came. I was all dressed up to the game. In my camouflauge shirt and my cargo pants. He said he can pick me but I thought it would be better that I drive. When I reached there, people came to say hi. They kinda recognise me, but didnt ask where hubs was. They know. Oh dear, and now I am there because of Dr. P, what would they think.

Anyway, the game started, Dr. P brought me around. He kinda protected me. Cool, it's really nice, to feel the sence of security. I didnt really shoot though. I was just hiding behind the bushes and Dr P. Then suddenly I felt pain at my back. A lot of shots. I felt my tears coming out. It was really painful. Then I heard, STOP!!!

A newbie came up from behind and attacked us. According to the rules, they are not suppose to shoot at a certain distance, and this was way too near. My back was burning. Dr. P pushed the guy down and scolded him. He was going to start a fight, but the marshals stopped him. He came up to me and pulled me up. The newbie apologised so much, I know he didnt do it on purpose, but it was really painful. I said it was ok. Just that my pain activated the tear.

We changed and the guy came up to me several times apologising. Dr. P sat next to me the whole time and he apologised too, for bringing me to this game. I said it was ok, I'm sure there wont be scars. If there is, I'll go look for him. He said he will always be there. Anyway, I packed everything and said bye to them. Dave asked how I was too and he said sorry also. Funny, it's ok, it's just a small matter. I left and went to my car. Only then I realised I left my keys on the bench. I went back and...

Dave: What are you doing? How can you scold the boy like that?
Dr P: He shouldnt shoot at that range. It's really dangerous.
Dave: Yes, we all know that. He didnt do it on purpose.
Dr P: I know, then he should learn the lesson this time
Dave: He sure did. You dont have to start a fight. You have to know your position. Is there something going on between you & her?
Dr P: Nothing is going on
Dave: You really think we dont know? There must be something.
Dr P: Nothing is going on between us. Yes, I like her, that's all and she doesn't know anything
Dave: Aha. I knew it
Dr P: Please, just don't say anything. She doesn't know anything

"Hey Jill, you still here? Thought you went home?" a guy asked from behind me. Both Dave & Dr P turned their attention to me, speechless.

ME: Hmmm... I .... ermm.... ( I was really shocked and lost of words) I left my keys, gonna take it back now.
I went pass Dave & Dr.P, to get the keys, and went straight to the car. Dr. P followed.

HE: Hi, erm, how's your back?
ME: Oh, ok, it's good.
HE: Remember to put some medicated lotion, the bruises will go off very soon
ME: Ok I will, I better get going.
HE: Erm... ok, take care.

I am really bad at this. I knew it, I knew he likes me, but when it really comes, I just dont know how to handle.