The clock was ticking. It was 630pm, I was still at home, not changed. The whole of today, I don't see him anywhere online. Where is he? He doesn't want me to get hold of him, so that I can't cancel tonight's dinner. Smart. He knows me so well.
At 715pm, I finally got up to put on my jeans and off I went. As I opened the door, I found him seated at our usual table. I sat, he looked at me. He looked so deep into my eyes as if he can see through me. "I thought you would never come." "I was only 15 minutes late. Is that very long?" "You know what I mean. Anyway... I'm glad you came. Let's order first."
I didnt eat much though. My mind was filled with thoughts. I was preparing answers for the potential questions from him. "So, is it me?" interrupted my thoughts. Wow, I didn't expect that question, and I didnt prepare any answer for that. I continued eating, as if I didnt hear. "Hello, hello..." I looked up, he was looking at me, "Is it me?"
ME: It doesnt matter.
HE: It does to me.
ME: What are you trying to get out of this? There is nothing, it doesnt matter. Please just forget about this and move on. Can?
HE: No. Just tell me.
He is forever that persistant.
ME: One - You have a family. Two - James & you are good friends.
HE: Why are you always putting others in front? Can't you just be selfish? You are already divorced, why do you still care how people think of you? Why can't you just think for yourself?
ME: I have.
HE: You have not, if you have, why don't you just be with the guy you like?
ME: Because I can't. I don't want to be a bitch who breaks up a family.
HE: The family is already broken
ME: Whether or not it's broken, it's still a family now. I don't want to be blamed.
HE: WTF
Silence filled the air. For the rest of the dinner, no words were spoken, no eyes were met. He then ordered a bottle of single malt. We drank through the night. We kind of understand, have a mutual understanding about the relationship we have. It will never change. He still treats me good, I will still care for him. As we drank, we started talking again. Nothing on that, just like old days. Talk whatever rubbish, laugh at silly jokes. We were too drunk to drive separate cars. So i hopped into his car. He drove me home.
When we reached, he walked me up as usual. I opened the door and went in, before I closed the doors behind me, he pulled me back into his arms. He stared me in the eyes... I pull him closer and kissed him. He kissed me so hard, I wanted him so much. He moved to my ears and whispered, "Can you be selfish for once?"
in life, we imagine, dream, think, fantasize & visualize. these are my imaginations and thoughts.
Friday, August 17, 2012
This is so wrong #2
After that night, everything went back to normal. We were still good friend who go drink and eat.
On another occassion, we went out to celebrate Tim's promotion. We were drinking, but that day I drank extra a little. I went to the toilet and when I came out, I saw Jay. He just came out from the men's. I suddenly tripped and fell to his arms. We were so close, we have never been that close. He held me close, and his face came closer. I can feel him breathing. He kissed me, I didnt push him away. I held him closer. When I got back to my senses, I pushed him away. "This is so wrong." I said.
He looked at me and said, "Yes, it's wrong, but it felt so right." I turned and before I walked away, he added "It's not June, isn't it?" I looked him in the eyes, "It doesn't matter, does it?"
I went out and downed a glass of brandy. I told them I needed to leave early. I went home. Once I reached home, I put my phone on airplane mode. I didn't want any calls. I need to recollect my thoughts. Did I really call him to tell him I like him the other night? When did all these started? I have always kept the distance. I never would start something that has no ending. How am I suppose to face him again? But he was right, it really felt so right.
For the next few days, I appeared offline on all social networking or chat that I have. Whatsapp was off too. Jay did called, but either I don't pick up or I just tell him I was busy.
Then again, we have too many mutual friends. It's Jane's son's birthday, and obviously we were both invited. And I never miss kids' birthdays. I just hope that he doesn't go. I don't feel good seeing his children and his wife. What am I suppose to do?
I reached early as usual. I love taking pictures of kids' birthday parties. Surprising, Jay came alone. Did he read my mind? Why would he come to a kid's party without his children? I tried to be occupied. I tried to be busy. I went around snapping pictures of all the children, until I have nothing more to shoot. Jane asked me to sit and rest for a while. I have no choice, I sat there, right across Jay. I know he was looking at me, but I avoid any eye contact with him. And suddenly I felt hungry, I went to grab some food, and when I turned, he was there. "Are you avoiding me?" I don't know what to say. "Why are you avoiding me? When are you gonna start answering my calls?"
Oh my god, I replied, "Ok, please, don't talk about this here. I don't want to talk about this."
"Talk about what? We are not talking at all. What is the 'this' that you are refering to? I'm asking you a question."
"Ok, can we talk this somewhere else? Dinner tomorrow."
"Where? Time?"
"Same place, 730"
Before going to bed that day, I thought, should I go? Should I really talk to him? I am no good at talking, maybe I should just find him on MSN and chat from there, or just whatsapp him. I don't want to look him in the eyes. I went to my computer, find him nowhere - MSN nor FB. Whatsapp him, no reply. *Damn*
On another occassion, we went out to celebrate Tim's promotion. We were drinking, but that day I drank extra a little. I went to the toilet and when I came out, I saw Jay. He just came out from the men's. I suddenly tripped and fell to his arms. We were so close, we have never been that close. He held me close, and his face came closer. I can feel him breathing. He kissed me, I didnt push him away. I held him closer. When I got back to my senses, I pushed him away. "This is so wrong." I said.
He looked at me and said, "Yes, it's wrong, but it felt so right." I turned and before I walked away, he added "It's not June, isn't it?" I looked him in the eyes, "It doesn't matter, does it?"
I went out and downed a glass of brandy. I told them I needed to leave early. I went home. Once I reached home, I put my phone on airplane mode. I didn't want any calls. I need to recollect my thoughts. Did I really call him to tell him I like him the other night? When did all these started? I have always kept the distance. I never would start something that has no ending. How am I suppose to face him again? But he was right, it really felt so right.
For the next few days, I appeared offline on all social networking or chat that I have. Whatsapp was off too. Jay did called, but either I don't pick up or I just tell him I was busy.
Then again, we have too many mutual friends. It's Jane's son's birthday, and obviously we were both invited. And I never miss kids' birthdays. I just hope that he doesn't go. I don't feel good seeing his children and his wife. What am I suppose to do?
I reached early as usual. I love taking pictures of kids' birthday parties. Surprising, Jay came alone. Did he read my mind? Why would he come to a kid's party without his children? I tried to be occupied. I tried to be busy. I went around snapping pictures of all the children, until I have nothing more to shoot. Jane asked me to sit and rest for a while. I have no choice, I sat there, right across Jay. I know he was looking at me, but I avoid any eye contact with him. And suddenly I felt hungry, I went to grab some food, and when I turned, he was there. "Are you avoiding me?" I don't know what to say. "Why are you avoiding me? When are you gonna start answering my calls?"
Oh my god, I replied, "Ok, please, don't talk about this here. I don't want to talk about this."
"Talk about what? We are not talking at all. What is the 'this' that you are refering to? I'm asking you a question."
"Ok, can we talk this somewhere else? Dinner tomorrow."
"Where? Time?"
"Same place, 730"
Before going to bed that day, I thought, should I go? Should I really talk to him? I am no good at talking, maybe I should just find him on MSN and chat from there, or just whatsapp him. I don't want to look him in the eyes. I went to my computer, find him nowhere - MSN nor FB. Whatsapp him, no reply. *Damn*
This is so wrong #1
I have known Jay from James. They were friends since 20 years ago. I wasn't as close to Jay as before the divorce. Ever since then, we talked, more of chat over social network. He would find me on MSN, or sometimes FB or even whatsapp. Once in a while we would whatsapp till late. Everything was fine. I treated him like a good friend and vice versa. However, when I don't see him on any of those chats, I kind of have this weird feeling. Is this missing someone? Why would I miss him? I know his wife, his children and his siblings as well. This is crazy, that's what I always tell myself.
He would invite me to join for a drink with his guy friends, sometimes to massages.
There was once, Jay, Bel & I went for a drink. A guy from the next table came to talk to me. After a while, he became a little touchy, I moved away. Then before we left, he kept on insisting on getting my phone number which I avoid giving. Jay was angry and he went up to him. It was going to lead to a scene, thank god it didn't. It was funny, why would he react that way. Bel & I were puzzled for a while.
Anyway, I went out drinking with the girls. It was Jean's birthday. I drank quite a lot, and I didnt know how I ended at home. Under the intoxicated mind of mine, I remembered picking up the phone to call Jay;
ME: Hey, what are you doing?
HE: It's kinda late now right? Where have you been?
ME: Went out with the girls.
HE: Yes, wassap?
ME: Can I trust you?
HE: Of course
ME: If I tell you something, can you keep it to yourself?
HE: uh hmm
ME: Can you forget about everything I am going to tell you?
HE: Ok, what is it? What do you want to tell me?
ME: About my feelings...
HE: Ok, what about? Tell me
ME: ............................ (silence)
*tooooot tooooooot*
I heard my phone rang, but I was too tired to answer it. Within seconds, I dozed off.
When I woke up the next morning, as usual I took my phone to check on the time. It was 825am, and there were 5 missed calls from Jay - the last one was at 310am. What happened? Why has he called me at this odd hour. I sent him a whatsapp message - "Are you alright?" He didn't reply.
At around 1130am, he called me. He asked to meet for dinner. I said ok, and asked him what it was about that he called so late. He said will talk over dinner. What's the suspence?
I met him at HMN at 730pm...
ME: So, what was that about? Calling me so late?
HE: Are you ok? You called me.
ME: Me? What for? What did I say?
HE: You don't remember? Were you that drunk? So unlike you.
ME: It was Jean's birthday so I drank a little more. So, what did I say?
HE: Hmm, you asked if you can trust me.
ME: Aha
HE: You said you were gonna tell me something, and that I need to forget whatever you told me.
ME: Ok, obviously you didnt. And what else?
HE: You, mmm, said you liked someone...
(What the hell? What did I tell him?)
ME: Oh, really?? and did I say who?
HE: No... you hung up, that's why I called you back.
Thank god, but who can that be? Someone I like? Not that I know of. Did my subconscious called to tell him I like him? Do I really like him? What am I doing?
HE: So, who is that? Who is that that you like?
ME: I don't know, and I don't remember saying any of those
HE: You think I made it up?
ME: No, but... I really don't know.
HE: Just tell me. U can trust me.
ME: Ok, if you really have to know. It's someone that I can't like
HE: That's interesting
ME: Someone I shouldn't like. People will disagree to this.
His eyes rolled wide open, and I can see that he is waiting for the answer.
ME: It's June
His jaw fell and his only reply was, "What the F**k?"
I was laughing inside me too, what ridiculous answer did I give?
He knew I lied, but there was no way he is getting anything out of me anymore. So we continue our dinner with wine and left for home...
He would invite me to join for a drink with his guy friends, sometimes to massages.
There was once, Jay, Bel & I went for a drink. A guy from the next table came to talk to me. After a while, he became a little touchy, I moved away. Then before we left, he kept on insisting on getting my phone number which I avoid giving. Jay was angry and he went up to him. It was going to lead to a scene, thank god it didn't. It was funny, why would he react that way. Bel & I were puzzled for a while.
Anyway, I went out drinking with the girls. It was Jean's birthday. I drank quite a lot, and I didnt know how I ended at home. Under the intoxicated mind of mine, I remembered picking up the phone to call Jay;
ME: Hey, what are you doing?
HE: It's kinda late now right? Where have you been?
ME: Went out with the girls.
HE: Yes, wassap?
ME: Can I trust you?
HE: Of course
ME: If I tell you something, can you keep it to yourself?
HE: uh hmm
ME: Can you forget about everything I am going to tell you?
HE: Ok, what is it? What do you want to tell me?
ME: About my feelings...
HE: Ok, what about? Tell me
ME: ............................ (silence)
*tooooot tooooooot*
I heard my phone rang, but I was too tired to answer it. Within seconds, I dozed off.
When I woke up the next morning, as usual I took my phone to check on the time. It was 825am, and there were 5 missed calls from Jay - the last one was at 310am. What happened? Why has he called me at this odd hour. I sent him a whatsapp message - "Are you alright?" He didn't reply.
At around 1130am, he called me. He asked to meet for dinner. I said ok, and asked him what it was about that he called so late. He said will talk over dinner. What's the suspence?
I met him at HMN at 730pm...
ME: So, what was that about? Calling me so late?
HE: Are you ok? You called me.
ME: Me? What for? What did I say?
HE: You don't remember? Were you that drunk? So unlike you.
ME: It was Jean's birthday so I drank a little more. So, what did I say?
HE: Hmm, you asked if you can trust me.
ME: Aha
HE: You said you were gonna tell me something, and that I need to forget whatever you told me.
ME: Ok, obviously you didnt. And what else?
HE: You, mmm, said you liked someone...
(What the hell? What did I tell him?)
ME: Oh, really?? and did I say who?
HE: No... you hung up, that's why I called you back.
Thank god, but who can that be? Someone I like? Not that I know of. Did my subconscious called to tell him I like him? Do I really like him? What am I doing?
HE: So, who is that? Who is that that you like?
ME: I don't know, and I don't remember saying any of those
HE: You think I made it up?
ME: No, but... I really don't know.
HE: Just tell me. U can trust me.
ME: Ok, if you really have to know. It's someone that I can't like
HE: That's interesting
ME: Someone I shouldn't like. People will disagree to this.
His eyes rolled wide open, and I can see that he is waiting for the answer.
ME: It's June
His jaw fell and his only reply was, "What the F**k?"
I was laughing inside me too, what ridiculous answer did I give?
He knew I lied, but there was no way he is getting anything out of me anymore. So we continue our dinner with wine and left for home...
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