What is Right? (Part V)

I cannot be hiding anymore. I drove to The Maze. There they were, the usual bunch of people. Daniel was no where at sight. Had a few drinks and there I was talking to Steve. Suddenly, Daniel came up to us, "can you excuse us for a second?" he told Steve. Steve politely left us.

"Why are you avoiding me?"
"I did not. I was just busy."
"Bullshit. Come on, I'm not a kid. I know what is going on? Why do you have to do this to me? I have never been like this. You know me more than anyone. I will not do this to any women. I know I have many girls before, but you changed me, I know what I want."
"It's impossible. What bout my kids? How can a person like you change for me?"
"You know I love them as much as you do. I will treat them like mine."
"It's easier said than done."
"You are always like that. Jump to conclusion without giving me a chance to prove."
*Silence*
"Dont lie to yourself. I know you have feelings for me. Tell me, do you love me?"
Sigh... "No"
He held me in his hands, looked me in the eyes, "Tell me, do you love me?"
"No I dont."

He let go of me, walked away. It hurts me as much. There we were in the same drinking joint and yet no talking. We sat in 2 separate places. I was talking to the bunch while he, in another corner with some chick. I couldnt pay attention to what they were talking about, I just drank and thought. Once in a while, I would unconsciously turn my head to his direction.

After an hour or so while I was still drinking and thinking, Daniel came over and introduced his newly met friend to us, "Hi guys, this is Jane, I'm sending her home. Chowee." I said bye and turned back to my drink. I felt a sudden cut in my heart. For the next hour, I was drinking more than I usually do. This is so unlike me. I am always conscious and will make sure I am 100% sober before I drive home, but that night I was not myself. Something was wrong, do I really love him? Did I fall for him? When was that?

I looked at my watch, it was close to 130am. I told them I wanted to make a move, they stopped me and told me I was not in the position to drive. It was too dangerous, but I assured them I was okay. I went to take my car and didnt know how I ended up outside Daniel's house. I know he wont be in. He left with that girl, obviously he is somewhere sharing the bed with her. I stopped there for a good 5 minutes.

Then I left for home. I parked my car and went up. When the elevator door opened, I walked to my apartment door, drunk as I was. When I reached the door, I saw Daniel. He was there. He looked up and said, "I just wanted to make sure you were alright, wanted to see you home safe and sound. I'll go now." He walked passed me. His shoulder brushed mine. I turned to hold his hand.

We then went into my house and continue what we have not finished the other night.

What is Right? (Part IV)

I woke up the next day, he was gone. I started thinking, a lot. There has been so much in my mind.
"Does he really love me?" "Is he saying this to every girl?" "Is he saying this just to make me sleep with him?" "If it's real and I accept him, what happen to my kids?" "What if my kids dont like him?" "What are the future of my kids?" Blah blah blah... There were endless questions in my mind and no where I can find answers. Oh dear.

My thoughts were again being interupted by my mobile. The caller ID showed his name. I was hesitating whether or not I should pick up. I did and told him I was in a meeting, will call him back later. Only after I hung up did I realised it was a Sunday. Damn.

Days have past. Endless calls, same answers - either I was busy or I didnt pick up. No more outings like before. In fact, to come to think of it, I have not seen him for almost a week from that night. Nothing stopped him from calling. He even sms me asking why was I avoiding him. He wants to talk to me.

I just couldnt... well, at least until I find the answers. I kind of missed those days, though.

What is Right? (Part III)

I was already fast asleep when my mobile's sms alerted me. It was from Daniel. Then the sms string went like this:-

D: I cant sleep
M: I'm sleeping already. Tired. Down some red, you'll sleep soon

Silent... after a while I heard my front door opening and closing. I thought Daniel might have left. It's ok, he is always weird. I closed my eyes, hoping to fall asleep again, but I was worried. Feeling a little tipsy, I opened my room door, my tv was still on. I went out but Daniel wasnt there.

Suddenly I heard my fridge door close, I turned my head to find Daniel standing outside my kitchen with a glass of red wine in his hands. We stood there looking at each other. He put the glass on the table and walked up to me. He put his hands around my waist and pulled me closed. I have never been so closed to him. It felt great. He placed his face on mine. It was warm and nice. He came so close to me, his lips brushed my cheeks. I suddenly came to conscious and pushed him away.

Where is that line? Why have we crossed it? I dont want to change anything. I dont want the line to be crossed. I told him, "Hey, if you think I am one of your girls, sorry. Forget it and just leave."

He came up to me again and said, "I know who you are, I know what I am doing. You are not those girls, you are different. I love you, you know that. I cant stand anymore, I dont want to be your brother or just a good friend. I want to be with you, I want you."

"Please, just wake up. you have too much wine. Get yourself together and we will talk tomorrow. Go wash your face, you sleep here. I am going my mum's."

"Dont go. Ask yourself. Do you love me? Do you dare to say you have no feelings for me?"

"No, I dont. Leave me alone." He came up and grabbed me in his arms. He kissed me. I tried to push him away but I was too weak. Before I knew it, we were already in bed. He pulled me close. It has been a long time since I have been so close to a man. I missed it. I could feel his warmth. It's nice.

The whole room was filled with love. I couldnt think much, or maybe I just chose not to think too much. What is happening then is just too good to resist. Just when he was about to be in me, I again pushed him away. I told him to stop. I want to stop...

What is Right? (Part II)

It was Jay's birthday. As usual Daniel came to pick me from my house. It was a little weird this night. He gave me a bouquet of red roses - told me it was not meant for me actually, just that Liz doesnt want them. Anyway, on the way, he told me I looked beautiful. Hmm, I didnt put extra make up, not a new dress, didnt do my hair. I was just as I was always.

When we were The Maze, he was extra caring. We enjoyed a lot. We drank a lot but not enough to make me drunk. I was feeling a little tipsy. We danced like we always do. We chatted. After lots of photo taking and cakes and liquor, it was time to go home.

I asked Daniel to make sure he wants to send me home and not Liz... I thought he might wanna let it off that night. After assuring me of sending me home, I was pleased. As sometimes, the people that sends me home are boring. And after a tired night, you wouldnt have the energy to start talking to them.

He drove extra slow that day. We talked a lot. I told him I need a fag, he hates people smoking in his car. So he stopped his car by the road side. We both shared one ciggaratte as we didnt want to stay on the road for too long. At that very moment, we just leaned against his car, not a word was spoken. We just looked up the sky, enjoyed the breeze and silence and finished the ciggarette.

We went into the car and headed home. He parked his car, got down and walked me up. He is always like that. That's why so many girls fall for him. He will make sure you are safe and sound before he leaves. Before he left, he asked if he could stay for the night - just that he doesnt want to be alone.

I invited him in. Well it's not the first time he spend the night in my house. He will have full access to my house, except my bedroom. He laid on the sofa, got himself a bottle of red and switched the channel to CNBC. I left him there and went to wash myself up.

What is Right? Part I

Since the divorce, I have been really happy. I finally get to live a life that I want. I love my kids, I can go anywhere I want without telling anybody. I have all the freedom I want. I live in my own apartment, drive my own car, spend my own money, live my own life.

I am not seeing anyone, not dating any guy. My love of my life are my 2 beautiful kids. I dont care what people think. I go out party and tell everyone that I'm a divorcee with 2 kids. I dont mind. I have a group of good friends - particularly a guy friend whom I treat like my brother. Daniel is a great guy. He is rich, smart, good looking and caring.

Of course with criteria like those, he has many girls around him. I am one of them, the only difference is I dont sleep with him. We are just friends, good friends. We share everything. I know who he spent the night with, I know who he likes, I know who he hates. He knows almost everything about me too. We talked about work, family, money, world, life, sex, just anything. There is an obvious line between us that we know we will not cross.

Anyway, he always come to pick me up to any parties... It's good, although sometimes he might get a substitute to drive me home, when he finds his catch. I dont mind, as long as I reached home safe and sound.

He will once in a while buy me gifts, small small gift as a token of our friendship.

It has been like this for the past 8 months. Our friendship has grown into a brother and sister relationship.

Until one fine day...